Another lost

Today is the day of me losing my 93 years old grandpa.

No, I didn't go back home. 

Instead I am writing my blog here in the place where I work the most. 

The molecular lab.

I am now confuse of how exactly I should feel. 

Should I feel at lease a lot better coz I've seen tok was struggling so much last time?

Should I feel sad, crying underneath my pillow because I will never see him again?

Should I feel relieved because tok should be in the better place now? 

And the question is, is it a really 'better place' for him since everyone's better place is distinct from each other for sure. 

Death is a sure thing, when I think it back thing that is worrisome to me is of course the after death life. O Allah, place my mother and my grandpa to the best place in the hereafter along with the syuhada' and the believers. Grant them the highest level of paradise. 

For a person who still need to work in uplifting Islam as our sole goal, 

let us still work for your battle is not over yet. 

Al fatihah to both my grandpa & mom. 

I love you.
Lillahitaala. Always.

Semoga aku menjadi zuriat yang solehah, menjadi asbab mereka ke syurga.
Tetap sabar dan kuat iAllah. 

The frustrating 30%

Hi guys.

To tell you the truth I kind of lose my motivation to endure my normal days. I am not a person who lose to myself, instead I fight for everything I have to fight and stay strong by myself even if the world is against me. The best I need is just myself to keep going.

Lately things don't go on their way. I think I am frustrated over my research project. The thing is I have like 30% to complete so my lab work would be officially done.  However it goes the other way round. I believe that in research everything is unpromising and really fragile. The samples you have etc. When you are working in the field of microbiology, this is even harder because you can't really see anything until you run a confirmatory test. And those tests are the most heart-wrenching thing evaaa people!

I was on my way back from the lab so I stopped by the cafe to grab some food, eventually I met a 5th sem master student and we had a chat. She decided to extend her semester so she has ample time to write her thesis. I am always worry in this kind of thing. This anxiety nowadays get quite annoying and hair loss is not a joke too. Haih

As time goes by, I feel quite empty and lonely.

I do sometimes underrated myself, and sometimes I do have some expectation as well.
I am so complicated, yeah I know lol.

I think I need someone to at least console me, tell me that you believe in me when I have doubt in myself, and making me feel a lot more confident back.

Off my eye bags, pale and breaking out face. 

Smiling makes you look brighter, at least it hides 

your struggles. 

I need a booster, please.