Pages

Showing posts with label Sigh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sigh. Show all posts

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Burn baby Burn

After 2 months. 

I am back. hahaha

Rasa macam susah sangat nak update blog lately, coz I am home, lol. 

But trust me, this blog knows me inside and out. My only place where I can spill a lot of things with confidence. I am not sure where to begin but lately, I receive a lot of application rejection. I am not sure if this is the curse after I rejected Chonbuk Uni Phd offer, lol but things going pretty wild lately. 

I live with my elder sister and dad now which I am very grateful of. They pay for my expenses, dad  gives me allowance every month and my sister often pays for good food and treat me too. I am always happy with everything I had till I've got rejection emails of the application I sent. I am always a positive one but sometimes I got swayed too. 

I always think of serving my dad coz I didnt quite got to do so last time. But when I do now, I think it gets too much till sometimes I feel useless for being at home. Okay please RIP this feeling ohmygod. 

I am trying to remind myself not to compare your life with others because everyone's track is different. But today I just got dumped again from a doctorate program since I am not a under/postgrad student from particular universities. I'm swaying back guys. T.T

I should have received Chonbuk Uni offer. Yes? No?
Okay dahh jangan nak menyesal sangat huhuhu

I need good ears to tell my stories and my worries. 
Anyone? Please? T.T

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

BTOB - Missing you

Hi.

I literally fall in love with a song at the first heard.

In which when I read the lyrics, it literally tells you the untold story of mine.

I never knew this boy group at the first place anyway but the song and lyrics are on point.

Presenting, the heartfelt of missing you.


Dear Wan Syafiqa,

Let's stay focus and cool.

Ps: I'll talk about my Jeju trip soon.

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Distracted

Today I saw him at the 1st time after almost 3 years of hibernating from his figure.
I never tried to get his update or even view his profile in this time interval. I did not do it. As for today, I never intended to do so, but I received his photo from my friend who asked me whether he is the person we used to know. A picture of him in the badminton court, playing I reckoned. I verified and lose my mind lol.

It was disturbing, but the other part of me keep on viewing the picture over and over again.
I never thought these years of trying to recover myself, it actually brought a deep wound inside me and it is never 100% healed to my surprise.

Tipu lah kalau tak pernah wonder, how he's been doing lately. Tipu lah kalau tak rasa kita masih tunggu. Entah. I've been trying to rationalize my mind but my heart said the other way round. They do not sync at all.




If ever people asked me how it is felt. This is what I truly feel all these years.
Goodnight.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

I am tired

I am so tired of what happening today.

I think I am so fed up with my family members.

And I am giving up with my adik adik liqa' too. 

I'm tired of receiving negative emails. 

and I keep on feeling I am not competent enough.

I am tired of being so much optimistic.

I am tired thinking about money.

so I lose my sabr today. 

And after I lost that, I began to feel disappointed with myself. 

I am now look down upon myself. 

World.
People.

I am just out of strength.

I am exhausted.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Another lost

Today is the day of me losing my 93 years old grandpa.
No, I didn't go back home. 
Instead I am writing my blog here in the place where I work the most. 
The molecular lab.

I am now confuse of how exactly I should feel. 
Should I feel at lease a lot better coz I've seen tok was struggling so much last time?
Should I feel sad, crying underneath my pillow because I will never see him again?
Should I feel relieved because tok should be in the better place now? 
And the question is, is it a really 'better place' for him since everyone's better place is distinct from each other for sure. 

Death is a sure thing, when I think it back thing that is worrisome to me is of course the after death life. O Allah, place my mother and my grandpa to the best place in the hereafter along with the syuhada' and the believers. Grant them the highest level of paradise. 

For a person who still need to work in uplifting Islam as our sole goal, 
let us still work for your battle is not over yet. 

Al fatihah to both my grandpa & mom. 
I love you.
Lillahitaala. Always.

Semoga aku menjadi zuriat yang solehah, menjadi asbab mereka ke syurga.
Tetap sabar dan kuat iAllah. 

Monday, February 5, 2018

The frustrating 30%

Hi guys.

To tell you the truth I kind of lose my motivation to endure my normal days. I am not a person who lose to myself, instead I fight for everything I have to fight and stay strong by myself even if the world is against me. The best I need is just myself to keep going.

Lately things don't go on their way. I think I am frustrated over my research project. The thing is I have like 30% to complete so my lab work would be officially done.  However it goes the other way round. I believe that in research everything is unpromising and really fragile. The samples you have etc. When you are working in the field of microbiology, this is even harder because you can't really see anything until you run a confirmatory test. And those tests are the most heart-wrenching thing evaaa people!

I was on my way back from the lab so I stopped by the cafe to grab some food, eventually I met a 5th sem master student and we had a chat. She decided to extend her semester so she has ample time to write her thesis. I am always worry in this kind of thing. This anxiety nowadays get quite annoying and hair loss is not a joke too. Haih

As time goes by, I feel quite empty and lonely.

I do sometimes underrated myself, and sometimes I do have some expectation as well.
I am so complicated, yeah I know lol.

I think I need someone to at least console me, tell me that you believe in me when I have doubt in myself, and making me feel a lot more confident back.

Off my eye bags, pale and breaking out face. 
Smiling makes you look brighter, at least it hides 
your struggles. 
I need a booster, please.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Anak-anak Syurga

Assalamualaikum korang.

Apa khabar? 
Harapnya iman dan hati sentiasa dalam keadaan sihat. Harapan aku jugak supaya korang korang sentiasa ada hari yang produktif. I should be productive today but I think maybe not. Rehat gaiss harini. Bagi masa tulis blog sikit hiks. 

Aku nak update entry China lagi sementara aku masih ingat, tapi rasa ada sesuatu yang aku nak share dengan korang in the meantime. Sementara aku masih terasa sisa-sisa emosi aku yang bercampur baur 2 minggu sehingga hari isnin lepas. 

Betul la orang kata, life feels like riding a roller coaster sometimes, and that was me stuck on top of the roller coaster ready to make its next move nervously.

Aku terima satu mesej dari seorang kakak ni untuk bantu dia jaga taska sebab dia ada iv kat Johor. Aku tak free pun masa tu tapi sebab kakak tu sepertinya merayu kat aku, aku pun okaylaaa. Aku pun pernah la baby sit budak. I have no problems. Boleh la nak dodoi2, tukar lampin semua tu I can do that. Tapi selalunya job baby sitting aku ni fokus kat seorang atau dua orang budak la. Tak pernah la lagi membantu kat mana-mana pusat/taska. Memula ingat nak tolong separuh hari, tapi at last appointment aku dengan supervisor aku pun dah bertukar hari, aku willing untuk ganti kakak tu sepenuh hari.

And that was when the roller coaster started to move!

It was a thrilled experience that when I woke up the next day, my muscles were sore. I found it hard to lift my legs, sakit pinggang, lenguh tangan semua ada! hahaha. Fuhhh, baru aku tahu penat jaga budak macam mana. This is diff because I had to take care of 3 kids age ranging from 8 months to 2 years and 5 months. Serius rasa macam jaga triplet. I was sweating like crazy because I moved around so much.

Dari pagi kena mandikan sorang-sorang, kena buat susu dan kena tidurkan baby amsyar yang baru umur beberapa bulan tu. Dan baby amsyar ni la baby yang paling kuat nangis antara semuaaa. Dia nangis without reason wehh haha. Bukan itu sahaja, dia juga baby yang paling senang nak terjaga dari tidur. Nak tidurkan dia tu dah satu kesusahan dah, pastu boleh pulak tidur beberapa minit sebab ada baby lain kacau. Yang si pengacau tu, muka tak rasa bersalah langsung siap gelak gelak lagi heiii. Berlari aku dari dapur sebab nak tenangkan si amsyar tu. Dah kenapa aku mengutuk dorang pulak ni -..-

Aku rasa masa bagi makanan pun ialah masa bersilat juga. Sambil bersila, aku akan angkat pinggan ke atas, sambil suap satu satu nestum ke dorang ni. Dalam sehari purata seorang budak menangis ada la 3-4 kali. kalau dah ada 3 orang budak nak kena pay attention, berapa kali ntah kena tenangkan dorang ni. Kalau kena hadap 3 orang ni je takpe, ada lagi 3 orang baby yang penjaga taska sorang lagi jaga. Dan ada 8 orang budak yang belajar kat taska tu (3-5 tahun). Kalau bergaduh pun ada drama air mata jugak. Satu hari dengar budak nangis memang dahsat. Satu hari terasakan bagaikan sebulan lamanya aku bertahan. Tahap kesabaran pun haruslah level 99. Menghitung masa je aku nak balik masa tu. hahaha

Ini Amsyar sedang ditenangkan selepas menangis teruk sebab aku tinggal dia nak cuci nestum.
Helloo, awak yang buat tumpah nestum tu sebab excited sangat nak makan. 
Lepastu in denial kita tinggal awak kejap sebab nak cuci nestum yang dah tertumpah banyak tu. 
Hailaa sayanggg

So selepas ke kejadian yang thrilling tu, aku punyak respect kat geng mak mak ni memang melangit setinggi langit ketujuh. Tu baru sehari aku dah pening kepala sakit satu badan, belum lagi uruskan hal rumah tangga bagai. So masa tu aku rasa macam aku dah okay I'm done with the taska thing, at least aku bantu kakak tu memudahkan dia nk pergi interview.

Tetiba tak lama kemudian, aku dapat invitation sekali lagi untuk tolong kakak tu lagi. Aku cuba nak lari dan memberi alasan pada mulanya hahahaha, tapi aku memang rasa serba salah sebab aku boleh nak bantu dia since cloning kit was not around yet, so mmg aku off sekejap dari buat kerja lab. Dia nak jumpa supervisor dia untuk settle kan correction thesis dia. So I was like okay this thing is much important too, ce kalau kau mintak tolong orang saat-saat genting nak submit thesis tapi takde orang nak tolong. Haaa cemano? I was putting myself in her shoes so I said yes, but this time I requested for a half day only.

Pagi tu aku bangun dengan perasaan in denial sangattt hahaha. I remember doing things all in slow motion masa tu haha. Nak bersiap rasa malasss ya Allah in the end aku datang lambat kat taska without reason. lol.

Kali kedua datang ni, aku kena ajar budak budak besar pulak dalam kelas. Okay this thing is not easy either. Semua budak masa tu macam nakkan perhatian aku. Semua benda dorang nak cerita weii aku nak ngajar pun susah. Kalau cerita dorang relatable dengan topik yang aku ajar takpe, ni boleh pulak in the middle of naming animal, dia cerita malam semalam ada orang kacau dia tengah tidur -__- hailaaa adik. Aku cam nak marah tapi tahan sebab benda tu diulang-ulang banyak kali haha. One thing I realized, dorang ni suka sangat appreciation and attention. If you asked that so called girl/boy to sit beside you while you are teaching, they seemed so happy. Dorang rasa martabat dorang diangkat barangkali haha, I don't know. After all, they are so innocent and have pure soul. Memang betul budak budak ni kalau kita ajar dan bagitahu masa ni dorang akan ingat dan boleh ikut cakap kita lagi, walau dorang ni tak boleh duduk diam sangat which is normal.

'
Selepas ajar budak-budak tu tentang binatang, aku suruh dorang melukis.
Tema bebas sebab aku malas nak fikir haha, lagipun aku taknak halang kreativiti dorang.
Ada budak request suruh lukis ikan dengan kucing.
Haaa tu versi teacher kehkehkeh


Second part of the class session was hands on time.
Panjat lah atas meja. Mainlah apa nak main.
Teacher tak larat nak larang dah.


Anak anak syurga =)

Bila aku jaga anak-anak ni, memang terasa yang budak-budak ni mudah dibentuk kalau ada pendidikan yang baik. Sedih sangat sekarang banyak kes yang bukan bukan. Aku tengok budak budak ni dan aku reflect balik masyarakat skrng, tergamak la ada yang melakukan perbuatan sumbang mahram kat budak yang besar-besar cenggini. Sedihnyaaa T.T Memang mengundang marah. Teacher doakan anak anak yang teacher jaga walau 2 hari ni, jadi anak yang soleh dan dilindungi Allah sentiasa. Bila dah satu hari bersama dorang, attachement effect tu still ada, tak tahu la kenapa. Must be because of their purify soul :')

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Hang on

Someone just blew my mind away.

Literally blew my mind away! Ya Allah T.T

With those smiling eyes, interest in flowers, not forgetting the piano, drums and flute skills.

This is too much to handle. Why am I up for this suddenlyyy. like out of nowhere sangat ni.

I feel like my chest is going to burst so hard if I keep this by myself, so I need to let this out a bit. Letting some space inside me. Come on, you are a grown up girl. I feel like sighing more when I write this haha.

For as I know this is really really impossible, I have bigger responsibility. To the ummah & to take care of my iman. Ya Allah keep me guided & close to you. I really need you around.

Distract me with bigger agenda in my life.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

My teaching stories

Assalamualaikum!

Feel like I haven't publish any piece of posts since May came in. My research and my part time job really got me man. Just to make things clear hehe, I taught Spanish and English last semester and those classes had ended last week which I am so grateful of! Yeayy

Alhamdulillah most of the feedback are positive and the students really enjoy the class.  I am quite happy to know that actually. Last time I asked my students the reasons they wanted to learn Spanish, and one of the students said,

"Because the teacher is beautiful" Ehem, Estoy sonrojarse.
I feel like treating him ice cream afterwards hahaha ;P

Anyway, this is my English class story.

I taught a grown up Sudanese woman who happened to know very very little English. She only can speak Arabic. I almost have zero knowledge in Arabic. I haven't learn this language like for real, so the language barrier between us is so far quite huge. I can relate how Mr. Brown feel to teach multi-races people lol. Really it is hilarious and very heart-wrenching at times. I used gestures and every single movements and actions I can. Asking her to read and write were troublesome too. Not to mention that I used google translate to at least get her understand to what I am saying. Getting her to pronounce things were even harder. Making her to distinguish the words between "the" and "it" was also hard even though the spelling is really obvious, I don't understand why haha. But alhamdulillah after almost 10 classes, we are better at understanding each other. I was pretty relief to know that my English class would end last week, so I seek a lil help from her husband to fill up the feedback form. The feedback form need to be submitted to the office so that I can receive my claim. Her husband is also my lecturer and I enrolled in his class last semester. More or less we knew each other. Later on that day, he told me,

"My wife really likes you". I got my jaw dropped. Seriously.
I thought I was a fierce English teacher because I raised my voice quite a few times. Penat cakap sebab dia tak faham haha and sometimes she said she understand it but actually she did not. mehh :/

My lecturer asked me to continue teaching her English.
Actually, I rejected it a few times with the reasons that I am busy, I have no transport etc. And he offers me to pick me up from mahallah and send me back to the library.
I cannot say no since he is quite persuasive. Called my dad to tell him this and he was like, okay la tu. Ajar je la. Aiyoo

I sometimes couldn't sort myself out. Adoi. I hate myself for this.

Well, I just finished my 1st private class with her just now. Started to teach her back lol.
Please pray that sabr and ikhlas would always be my best companion =)

Ramdhan is coming soon.
Marhaban ya Ramadhan!

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Sakit

Assalamualaikum

I had my daurah held in Gombak last weekend and then decided to sleepover at yuci's apartment for a night. Well just staying to look for a new hijab in masjid jamek because a friend is getting married in less than 2 weeks time and yazz found the perfect colour alhamdulillah :) I knew masjid jamek is a shopping heaven for certain people but I haven't been there sampaila yuci bawak semalam. I actually been there numerous times just for travelling purposes obviously; changing line etc. Tak pernah turun pun and yes I was surprised with lots of choices. Dresses? Tudung, palazo? You named it semua adaaa. Yang penting murah coz I bought my tudung for just RM10. hehe

Anyway, this Syafiqa actually is not so resistant with dust, kurang minum air and lack of sleep rupanya.

I don't know what is happening to me lately but I fall sick again for quite a number of times this year. Had a very bad cold last 2 months, that one is normal because I usually experience it every year. Maybe because I had my head cramp for a week attending seminars which I did not have any interests of, hahaha but the main contribution must be I don't drink much water in a day. Sebab seminar duduk dalam bilik ada aircond lol.

This time it happens again. Aaaa. I thought I would stay healthy until the end of the year but I am not. Another thing duduk dalam bilik aircond, and I don't even brought any bottles with me T.T When I get back to the accommodation, the place was okay for everyone including me except for my body physiology. I think it must be a bit dusty since I sneezed a few times. Nevertheless, my body defense mechanism did a good job at that time. I was doing fine those two days. I get cranky on the 3rd day. Bangun2 dah sakit tekak dah and I knew it's a bad sign!

Rumah yuci pulak dia terlupa nak masak air, sooo again I don't drink much. As soon as we get out, I rushed to buy strepsil, just to take a quick action. As we arrived masjid jamek, lagilaaaa. I can't stop sneezing T.T ya Allah. This time, i think the environment there is a bit non hygienic for my weak body (mesti immune system kita dah letih dah time ni haha), too much people which increases the possibility of virus spreading and last but not least, habuk kain. Masa kat situ juga I looked for hurix, bought piles of small tissues which I used them all today and panadol at the same time. I drank 2 big bottles of water just to keep hydrated from yesterday and end up going to toilet every 2 hours lol. I feel a bit better tonight but as soon as I think of doing my laundry I feel weak again -__- Anyone nak offer laundry services? Anyway, please pray for my health. Next week is my proposal defense, and I have not completed my slides yet.

 "I went out last Friday and have made up my mind on which perfume I wanted to buy. I haven't buy it yet though. So if it happens for you to go out or visit 'The Body Shop', tell me what do you think about it :)"

It's White Musk Smoky Rose!

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Getting rid off DIY CRT Hotlink

If you are having the same problem with me, please read this.

*kalau malas nak dengar bebelan boleh straight pergi ke instruction ya. hehe

Dikala post ini sedang ditulis, aku masih lagi beristighfar. Apakah ini sebenarnyanya penyucian harta? T.T

Perasaan geram ni still ada ni haaa

Dah lama sebenarnya aku biarkan maxis ni telan duit aku cenggitu je. Dan dah lama juga cubaan untuk terminate pakej DIY caller ringtone yang aku tak permah subscribe pun okay. Berapa kali jugalah bila aku angkat talipon, aku dengar orang gelak dulu baru hello. Sebab caller ringtone yang tah apa apa tu laaaaa. Kalau dia bagi orang dengar lagu yang baik baik, aku okay lagi. Ni lagu disco ke apa aku tak tahu. Sampaikan ada orang tu takut salah number call aku. Tak baik tau maxis buli rakyat marhaen macam ni.

Lagi aku tak boleh terima bila setiap kali aku nak terminate, suruh dial *131# > manage crt. Tapi bila try, dia cakap aku tak langgan pun pakej tu -.-' then bila aku check list lagu, ada pula berderet lagu dekat list tu. yaAllah kenot brain. Aku rasa setiap bulan aku buat cenggitu, dan bila jadi gitu aku pun malas dah nak cuba. Harini baru kemuncak aku betul2 nak get rid of those annoying DIY CRT tu, Effort aku bukan main call maxis centre etc. Aku google dulu dan ramai betul yang mengadu hal yang sama macam aku, tak subscribe tetiba jee ada. Kalau free takpe, ni sesuka hati renew dan deduct duit, hish. Hasil google aku tu, banyak juga suggestion dia tapi semua tu tak applicable dan tak membantu langsung. It doesnt help me at all. Aku dah la pengguna maxis tegar dari sekolah menengah, Bila balik malaysia setiap tahun dulu pun dok beli simcard maxis je. Ni dah ada perasaan membuak2 dah ni nak tukar line. Aaaa nyampah tak habis lagi sebenarnya hahaha.

Okay how to get rid the DIY caller ringtone the fastest way:

1) Dial 1300 820 120
2) Tekan 1 terus, takpayah dengar dia ulang nilai kredit korang
3) Lepastu tekan 5
4) Tunggu operator, dan beritahu apa masalah (lama juga aku tunggu sbnrnya, dalam 5-6 min kena tahan telinga maxis promo macam2)
5) Beri no phone, and within seconds CRT tu dia delete terus dan dapat confirmation through message.

Done! Boleh la korang mintak kawan kawan test call korang balik ada ke tak caller ringtone tu, maka terselamatlah RM3 setiap bulan yang korang kena bayar untuk renew pakej yang tak pernah subscribe tu.

Masuk december ni, penyucian jiwa macam kena lebih sikit. Kena banyak bersabar dan bersabar. Haihh

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Laid Back Day

Hi

Today is normal as it is. Except for pagi ni hujan. Seorang Wan Syafiqa memang suka hujan hujan ni. Jadinya pagi tadi dinikmati dengan menyelebungi diri dalam selimut sambil dengar lagu OAG sampai pukul 7 pagi. Hm, ni semua youtube punya pasal buat aku throwback lagu lama lama. Alhamdulillah hari ni dah semakin sihat walaupun masih kena telan panadol sebab kepala ni kadang kadang berat juga, batuk ni je yang tak baik baik lagi. Sampai terjaga tengah malam sebab tekak kering dan nak minum air. Pastu mula la terjaga lagi sebab nak pegi toilet pulak. Memang tak lena aku tidur minggu ni haha. Serius weh, banyak gila air aku minum ni. Niat nak pergi ambik antibiotik kat klinik, tapi takde transport wuwuwu T.T Semoga minum air berliter liter setiap hari ni dapat diteruskan demi menjaga diet yang dah kelaut ni lol.

Hari ni hari minggu so aku manfaatkan dengan hadir ke Seminar Fiqh Wanita: Siti Khadijah Era Milenia. Gempak en tajuk? :') Peeps seriously, the content was powerful I shall say. So the seminar answered my wonders of being a working mother. I will update the story about Khadijah and what I've got soon inshaAllah to keep myself motivated.

Today is full of surprises and good news. My facebook timeline is flooded with lots of photos of my friends having their convocation today! MashaAllah so proud of you guys. Bestnya tengok jubah kemain lawa lawa belaka :') Soon Wan Syafiqaaa, argh apsal baru beberapa bulan buat master dah rasa nak grad dah ni haha. Dahsat betul kawan kawan sekolah aku ni, dean list, pelajar terbaik keseluruhan etc mashaAllah what an attempt! Jenuh tau taip tahniah congrats setiap kali hehe. And another bestfriend declared she's gonna get married real soon on January! Waaww. I'm happy for you love. So upcoming weddings would be this December, January and February. Jadi berlakulah pencarian kain untuk kteorang. Since kawan aku tu nak tema pastel pastel gitu, dalam sehari cepat betul decide warna kain hiks. I like it so much & tak sabar pulak nak dapat kain tu coz it looks so beautiful in the picture. Aku jangkakan kali ni khidmat bridesmaid aku mungkin tak terseksa sangat sebab this nikah is gonna be a simple, short and sweet. Kena pulak hari yang sama ada reception kawan sekolah yang dari sekolah rendah ni. Korang ni buat meeting ke apa, pilih tarikh sama ni pulak hmm

This week is gonna be a hectic week for me. First, my lab works. Second, The Science Backyards program for the school kids. Semoga segalanya baik baik sahaja :)

Ps: Do I keep you waiting? And do you miss me? :P

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Sigh

Nak update blog..

Tapi tunggu dulu jap yer bagi proposal ni kemas sikit.

Sabar sikit yer Wan Syafiqa T.T

Lately ni rindu sangat nak ber-blog. Betullah orang kata postgraduate ni takde kawan. Bukan literally takde kawan, tapi semua orang busy sangat yang masing masing hidup dengan lab & bacteria je :/

K, jap lagi sambung
Off for writing