Birth day.

I still have 30 minutes before the clock strikes 12 am today (Adelaide time).

So before I sleep, happy 21st birthday.

I promised you before I would be the 1st person to wish this year. I still hope I did, yesterday. I still keep the gift that I wanted to give you so badly. It is still neatly wrapped in my drawer but I decided to give it to the person who is worth giving. Indeed, I planned throughout the time to tell you how much I care on your birthday but it is just a plan now. And I know the values will never be the same anymore. I promised you that I would include you in my every prayers. And yes, I do. I pray that Allah keeps us away from each other. And, I am sorry for not replying all of your whatsapp texts. I do feel bad, but thinking twice it is better for me not to reply them. I just don't want the conversation to keep on driving. I'm afraid that I'm gonna hurt myself back. Don't worry, I don't delete your last 3 texts before I read them, and I am safely arrived this morning. Alhamdulillah. I hope I never even reply or received your 1st 'hi-text' 6 years ago. I wish, I never knew you in my life. And my biggest wish to you this year is that, please help me to forget you. Tolong saya untuk lupakan awak because it is never easy at the first place. Hopefully, that's the perfect gift you received from me. Might be your last birthday greetings from me too and I would never hope for another one. Happy 21st birthday, again :)

Mak & Abah yang disayangi keranaNYA

Buat Mak & Abah yang dicintai kerana Allah,

Dekat 2 minggu ika kt Malaysia. Dekat 2 minggu jugak dapat direct tarbiyyah. Macam2 perasaan these few days. Seriously, rasa macam hari hari menangis pun ada. Allah, sayunya bila tengok mak hari-hari mengerang sakit, lemah atas kerusi roda, sepanjang hari akan baring atas katil, bila suap makan 5 suap pun paling maksimum, kadang-kadang mak cakap apa pun ika tak faham dah. Tau je mak ada fikir something tapi bila nak sampaikan tu tak boleh kan? Sebab ammonia yang sangat tinggi dah naik ke kepala. Hati mak dah tak berfungsi elok. Makin lama ika belajar, makin lama ika faham sakit mak ni. Kita tengok pun dah seksa, ni kan pulak mak yg rasa. Nak tolong macam mana pun ika dah tak tau dah. Kak yang & kak long yang dah ada title doktor pun kadang2 stressful nak buat keputusan apa yang terbaik untuk mak. Ika yang baru jaga mak full-time pun rasa penat sangat, Hari-hari rasa macam nk terbongkang je tidur 3 hari 3 malam. Kadang-kadang kena berjaga malam sebab mak tak dapat tidur and selalu menangis. Serius, mak memang Superwoman! Supermom! Hebat semangat mak ni lawan sakit mak sehebat mak besarkan kteorg 5 beradik dulu! Sayangnya mak dan hebatnya mak urus keluarga dulu. Hari-hari balik sekolah, mesti ada lauk atas meja & rumah dah berkemas. Setiap pagi mesti ada breakfast & kadang2 mak siap sempat buat bekal lagi. Dulu mak mengajar sekolah petang, tapi bila balik rumah, directly mak mesti terus buat dinner & nasi lemak sebab nk jual kat budak asrama sekolah RMM. Bila raya, mesti mak amik tempahan kuih sebab nak dpat extra money. Hebatnya mak cari duit dulu nak besarkan kteorang. Mak hebat sangat dulu, masak untuk berpuluh-puluh orang, rileks je. Power tenaga mak Allah kasi. Tapi sekarang, apa pun mak tak larat nak buat dah. Mandi, makan & tukar pampers semua kena mintak tolong orang. Rindunya nak makan masakan mak :( last ika makan pun before fly awal tahun hari tu mak bekalkan ikan bawal masak sambal & sayur lemak. Rindu sangat nk bersembang dengan mak. Last dapat mengadu pun masa ika telefon dari Aussie before exam. And masa tu jugak suara mak happy sangat and I was very enjoy talking to you. But then after a week, kesihatan mak merosot. merosot sangat and it keeps on declining sampai sekarang. Terkedu kejap bila kak yang cakap,

"Ika, do you know that it's a miracle yang mak boleh bangun balik ni?"

Allah kata berdoalah, akan dia kabulkan doa kepada sesiapa yg bedoa kepadanya [2;186] Sungguh Allah maha mendengar. Lagi hebat abah yang sentiasa disisi mak! Sabar abah layan kerenah mak dekat 5 tahun mak lawan penyakit ni. Dulu masa mula disahkan hepatitis C, mak amik alpha-interferon & ribavirin but those treatments gives side effects dekat mak espc hyper-tension. Masa tu mood mak tak boleh jangka-jangka. Tapi abah tetap cool, tetap sabar, tetap rileks though mak kadang2 jerit dekat rumah. In between mak sakit sungguh ni, ika still dekat aussie, along, kak yang & kak ngah kerja, adik dah kena pergi UTM, lapor diri. Abah yang jaga mak full-time, buat kerja rumah, cuci & lipat kain. Abah masak untuk mak hari hari. Tambah mak ada certain diets yang kena follow sebab at the same time mak ada diabetes. Abah yang akan cucuk insulin hari-hari kat mak. hari2 jugak abah akan amikkan wuduk untuk mak, pakaikan  telekung untuk mak, ajar mak solat etc. Bila ika balik dari jaga mak kat hospital, ika dah memang terjelepok tak larat. Banyak jugak tidur awal2 sampai rumah, tapi bila bangun. semua benda abah dah siapkan. Abah kejut, ajak makan je. Allah, masa tu rasa mcm impress sgt. Respect sgt dengan abah. 

MasyaAllah, abah. You are a great Imam!

MasyaAllah, mak. You are a wife of a great Imam!

Kawan-kawan datang melawat mak,abah boleh senyum lagi berlawak2 lagi sebab itu mmg nature abah. Tak pernah lari dari usik orang. I know deep down inside abah sedih, rupanya waktu mak koma, banyak kali abah menangis.This circumstances has changed everybody in the house so badly. Semua orang dah jadi kuat & tak harap bergantung kat siapa2 dah. Kak yang dah boleh drive balik rumah dari taiping. Adik who was once the baby in the family can now travel by her own to Johor which kteorg tak expect she can do it. And I have to travel by myself sorang2 balik aussie without anyone around. Anyone whom we expect to wave you goodbye before pergi departure hall. Every things happen for reasons. Hikmah Allah uji kami sekeluarga mematangkan semua orang dalam rumah ni rupanya. 

Abah & mak,

Bila kata sayang mak & abah  kerana Allah. Mudah-mudahan anakmu yg degil & kuat melawan cakap suatu masa dulu ni, menjadi tiket dan saham kalian di akhirat nanti. Kerana 3 perkara yang menjamin pahala berterusan ialah ;

1) Ilmu yang berguna 

2) Harta yang diinfakkan ke jalan Allah

3) Doa anak yang soleh

IAllah, moga anakmu ini menjadi salah satu penyebab mak & abah ke syurga. Srikandi pejuang ummah yang sentiasa berusaha menjadi khalifah Allah & ummat Rasulullah yang lebih baik. Allahuma Ameen. 

:(

2 hal yang ingin ku sampaikan kepadamu saat jauh dari mu:

1. Aku rindu
2. Bahkan rinduku tidak mampu mengalahkan rindumu.

Bertabahlah hati! Balik aussie nanti housemates ada, akhwat ada, usrati ada :)

Rindu sangat rasa, tapi tak berani angkat muka bila ada depan mata. Malah rupa dia & dia pakai baju apa pun aku tak tahu. Wahai pemilik hati, yang pegang & suntik rasa kat hati ini, sungguh jauhkan aku dari dia. Luka rasa macam berdarah balik. Kenapa 6 tahun perkenalan yang menyakitkan ni, hati tak serik-serik lagi?

Wan Syafiqa, wake-up! Dan sedarlah diri, awak tu di mana di hati dia?
Yes, nothing.

I'm home for the second time.

Yesterday I received a heart breaking news. It's really heart-wrenching. I feel nervous and everything. I wasn't expect that it's going to make me feel worry this much. I started to feel uneasy when my dad said,

"Iqa, tak payah balik la. Terima je apa jadi pun. 

Duduk je kat Adelaide tu. Buat test"

I tried to hide my feelings but yeah, I've failed. Burst into tears, back. These few weeks are my critical week. I had my 3 tests over the last week. Founding that I nearly passed my virology mid-term test was a big hit on me enough. I was disappointed. And I realized that my other two tests were never be an excellent too. It is not that I didn't study but I just can't do it, I was putting much much effort but I just don't know why. T.T

So, receiving a very big news from Malaysia driven me into dilemma. I have my oral presentation & lab report due this week. Not forgetting a test. But noted that it's your only mother whom you can't trade with anything off, what's the point of living and staying in Adelaide but your soul is already flew back to home where you belong? Living away from family like miles miles away making me feel very helpless. I wanted to help, but I just can't and you're always be the very last person who knows everything. I feel helpless. Really. 

I called home at Friday night, hoping to talk to my mom. But my dad said, my mom was sleeping the whole day and she can't open her eyes. So my thought was it's a normal thing for her since that's the symptom that can be seen for those who suffers her disease. But never thoughts, she would have a very very long sleep and they say, she's coma at the moment. I know, that's a very bad sign. a very bad one. 

Akhwatiy-fillah, jzkk for the tickets. Only Allah knows and can repay back your goodness. I feel very touched. I got a very good companies from each person of you. I received lots of inspired wishes which motivates me to stay strong and being reminded that Allah tests are for those whom He knows can handle it. A big test its for someone yg qawwiy! Allah is the best of planners after all. Thank you very much. Uhibbukfillah :') My flight from Adelaide-mebourne was okay. And my flight from melbourne-malaysia was even fine. I was seated beside a very friendly mother's touch vietnamese woman. She saw I was sobbing and cried a lil bit. Though that I was the only one who needs to handle a very big crash inside me, her test is even greater. She's going back to her dad's funeral because of liver cancer. And she received that shocking news during her exam day. Just right before her exam. But she seemed very calm, and she relaxed me back. She said that death is at the God's hand. What we can do is keep on praying and God knows the best. Allahu, thanks Allah for reminding this to me again through that woman. 

Alhamdulillah, things are at eased.

Please pray for my mom. 

Moga Allah kurniakan yang terbaik 

kerana Allah itu maha mengetahui. 

Wan Syafiqa kan, kuat? ;')

Bersabarlah wahai hati

Belajar percaya dan yakin,
Bahawa tiada "sad ending".

Yang ada cuma kebahagian yang ditangguhkan,
Sama ada diganti dengan yang lebih baik.
Atau disimpan sehingga tiba saat dan masa yang sesuai.

Mudahnya,
kalau ia adalah ketentuan dan kehendak Tuhan,
Maka apakah yang menyedihkan?

Percayalah, kehendakmu selalu terburu,
namun kehendak Allah sentiasa tepat pada waktu.
Dan tiada lebih bahagia daripada menunggu pilihanNya yang tertulis khusus untukmu.

*Jazakillah for the reminders :)