The people I love are fading away

12.24 AM

*lights off, on the bed with quilt cover on me

*Summer just doesn't feel like summer

Peeps,

Things seem to not fall perfectly in their place. I enjoyed doing summer school but I wasn't able & eligible to take it anyway. And I was being informed at my 1st week of course, lepas buat presentation bagai & scored for high marks T_T  Okay lah, cut that out. But then there it comes, biochemistry is hitting on my way. So dengan bangganya I'm gonna face this sem dengan a year with biochemistry again. Kita dah balik Adelaide baru dapat tahu. Kalau tak dah lama duduk kat Malaysia lagi dan makan sate -__- My 1 month holiday was not a good one anyway. Now sadly, cari kerja tak jumpa kerja :( 

and things get harder now.

Because I feel like I have no support anymore. Bila mak dah takde, I just realized things get different slowly. Once I talked to my parents like 3-4days a week, but now I received no calls from my dad. They say, my dad is on the phone for almost every night. Yes, I am sad. Until now. It feels like, hilang tempat bergantung. And the one I always talked to, does not want to talk to me anymore. He seems to be different and I don't know what's going on him either. 

1) Mom has gone

2) Dad doesn't seem to care

3) He doesn't want to talk to me no more

Frankly, sungguh terasa diri ini sunyi. Buat awak yang membaca, jangan pernah samakan keluarga saya dan keluarga awak. Isu kita berbeza. Bersyukurlah awk masih punya ibu, tapi saya? kalau hilang ayah saya jugak? kat mana saya bergantung? Saya cuma ada awak untuk berkongsi. Disebabkan orang itu awak & bukan orang lain, saya beritahu awak apa yang saya fikirkan. Saya kongsi every single thoughts saya dengan awak. Awak kenal saya, dan saya kenal awak dah lama. Lama sangat. Niat hanya nak berkongsi rasa tapi it turns out to be wrong. Tak tahu mana silapnya kali ini. Kalau masih ada attitude yang sama, tak mustahil diri ini akan rasa tawar hati & annoyed. Hargai saya, sebelum orang lain datang dan hargai saya. Tindakan mendiamkan diri tanpa solusi is not a good thing. It somehow shows that you are not a man enough because you keep on running away. Kita selalu ada jalan utk berbincang, sort the things out, improve diri, work on what makes things get so awkward here. 

Pernah.

'Yang pernah merasa kehilangan pasti akan tahu

maksud sebenar menghargai,

dan kerana itu aku cuba merasa sebenar benar maksud

menghargai sebelum aku benar benar merasa kehilangan'

I don't meant it.

*Okay, sekarang ni rasa mcm nak cakap lepas je semua*

*Memang kena lepas, kalau tak rasa sakit hati lagi*

T_T 

Rasa macam nak keep it cool.

Rasa macam nak keep it down.

Tapi rupanya diri sendiri ni lelah jugak simpan sorang-sorang.

Semput jugak rasa bila perasaan ni dibiar terkontang-kanting mcm tu je. 

Bila rasa macam diri ni dah tak dipedulikan langsung.

At least, kalau tak nak jumpa, tak boleh ke bagi tahu awal awal?

I thought in really that fine morning, at least saya dapat text dari awak.

To tell the truth, I was expecting the answer sebelum malam. 

Tapi throughout the day, awak message mcm takde apa je. 

I'M LEAVING KOT.

I mean kalau taknak sangat pun boleh je kan mintak maaf elok2 send me text in the morning and tell me mungkin tak dapat datang ke hape. Seriously, rasa mcm time tu tah hape hape saya kena layan.

Rasa mcm orang bodoh pun ada. 

Rasa diperbodohkan sangat. 

Sekarang memang rasa sakit hati, bukan sedih dah.

Apalah sangat sakit hati awak yang sy tak sempat bfast dengan awak, dengan sakit hati sy yang awak layan saya mcm taik ni?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

promises, trusts itu ini semua?

Amende semua tu?

Rasa mcm nak persoalkan semua tu jee.

Betul lah kira awk memang tak boleh harap?

Betul lah ni yang saya tak boleh percaya awk 100%?

Saya rasa mcm saya ni barang yang bila awk nak, awak amik.

Bila taknak, buat bodoh je la eh?

Rasa mcm menyesal sangat dapat perasaan yang mcm ni. Patutnya saya pun ada perasaan mcm awk. On off on off mcm tu je. Kan best? 

Saya dah taknak terima kesedihan lagi tahun ni. Tahun ni ingat nak mula hidup baru.

Nak cuba set all the things right. Tolong lah jangan destroy things balik!

Kalau boleh rasa mcm nak JERIT KUAT KUAT NAK LEPASKAN SEMUA.

Annoying gila ah perangai awk tu.

Jangan sampai saya give up & delete everything back.

Anyway, 

thank you for make me feel disappointed with you again!

ps: I just want to let everything out.

I don't ask anyone to bother.

And dear you, 

please don't believe anything I said.

Because I don't really meant it.

I lost my pakcik :(

Assalamualaikum peeps.

Alhamdulillah it's a bright and beautiful morning. Rasanya ber-blogging ialah tempat paling best nk luah semua benda. Though pagi ni pagi yang best untuk diri ni menghilangkan stress and bergembira at least. Diri ni rasa macam taknak lalu pun hari ni & hari hari yang akan datang. Sungguh dah berapa kali hati ni terguris kerana orang yang sama & perkara yang sama.  Jujur saya kata saya dah dapat rasa something wrong dgn awk quite lama sbnrnya. Start bila awk rasa taknak cakap dengan saya and all. But well yeah sometimes I though people need a break. Awak pesan untuk saya bersangka baik dengan awk, tapi how could I kalau things keep on going like this? :( Tipu kalau saya kata saya tak bersedih dengan apa yang cakap semalam. Tipu kalau saya kata sepanjang saya busy, kat kem tinggal awak kejap and all, saya lupa awk. Tipu kalau saya kata, saya tak terasa bila saya hantar text kat awk, awk read, seen tapi lambat reply because it is just so not you. Tipu jugak kalau sy tak terasa bila nk jumpa awak isnin tu awk kasi saya alasan nak hantar kereta lah apa lah, when in facts byk lagi hari lain yg awak boleh hantar. Semalam bila saya kata saya nak tdur at 10.30pm which saya tak ngantuk langsung sebab saya tak tahan nak hadap awk mcm tu. Lepas bagi tahu nk tdur, lajuu je jawab salam. Aduhaii, masa tu rasa sedih yang amat. Terus rasa mcm taknak tengok whatsapp langsung. Rasa mcm awk tgh tunggu je bila saya nk tidur. Its like replying my text is a burden to you. Saya tak tahu nk react apa dekat awk sbnrnya. I don't want to make things worse. I don't want to blame anyone.

Awak,
seeing you that one night really makes me happy. Rindu. Nak bagitahu sangat tapi bila ada conversation dengan awk, you seemed not interested. I was trying hard to make things okay, tapi lepastu makan dalam saya pulak. I used to scroll back you goodnight texts bila rindu. Masa awk panggil saya, when you get very excited when I texted you telling you I'm home, tak tinggal awak dah. When you get back after class @ work and started to tell me lots of things. Bila saya buat perangai habits saya tuu, sy dah tdur dulu and awak bagi tahu saya awk nk tdur dah. Receiving a very bright text saying morning :)

Tak tahu mana hilangnya pakcik saya dah :(
I hope this only continues in the meantime. Saya dah nak balik lusa. I'm not happy to leave Malaysia and you like this. Hati ini masih mengatakan awak. We've been through for 7 years and I still want to be with you on upcoming years.