Just finish visiting ain's blog. hah, she's using the methods i wrote before to well, forget him i guess. well, ain are you really trying to forget him now? We are always behind each other right ? You for me and me for you forever. :)
well, ain i cross something i think worth to put in my blog. i mean. yeahh. i think i am really a girl. it just that the feeling doesn't go away for how many times i tried. he hurts me like hell but still i couldn't take this feeling off.
" i just can't understand the ways of all men and their mistakes, you give them all your heart and then they ripped it all away. " " never thought of being a girl, how can i love for you and be burned and now i would build a wall to never get torn again "
" although that i said i hate you now. though i shout and curse you out. I'm always have love for you because I am a girl "
What's more that I'm gonna write here. arhh, seems much2 updates right now. why ? because there's no one that i can share my life with. haha. The more i wait, the more I feel stupid right now. It's freaking damn stupid !! arhh.. *pissed off.
So people, why do i think in this way ? yea.. i know. It's a bad idea to think yourself i mean yea. at least respect myself for not calling me as stupid. but i really think that way ! GOSH. what am i doing now bloggy ? =.= so, this is the stupidity of mine ;
I received text from him... "oit!" I didn't reply. credit went off. so bia jea la.walopon dlm hati nie. AKU NK REPLY!!! Think that i can fight for the feeling.*Thinking what should i do. Hah, pergi mandi! haha. tue je la method nk hilangkn rase xbest nie.
*Tengah keringkan rambut..suddenly, -New message received- 0_o dy hantar lg ? "wan, raya tahun nie mcm mana? datang rumah aku ark ?" ohh, kawan aku rupanya.xde kedit nie so.. "abah, jom pergi kedai. ika nk topup" abah cakap ; nanti2, abah nk tgk brita nie. aku ; alaa...lambat la cmnie. =.=
tiba2..right after that...AGAIN -New message received- "haiyaa..kawan aku nie sabar la..adeyh.." o'oh, bukan kawan aku tp DIA.
"Eyt"
Erk, I feel that my legs are weak! Ish pehal mamat nie. so i've made up a promise to myself ; "Ika, jgn mcg dy even da topup pon. paham ??" I nodded.
*half an hour later.
"Ika, jom !" alamak..abah da siap. cepat2. capai selendang, amik sweater. ahh, sarong aje lahh. kak yang kate dy nk ABC so dy dgn xmandi nye..capai towel ikot sekali.aduhh.smelly. ;p tp sudahnye, it's still me going out bought it for her. T.T Reached petronas. Abah suh pergi isi minyak n beli topup utk abah, kak yang and of course me. I top up right after that. But the weird thing is.. I text him 1st. not my friend. Aiyoo..ape aku nihh.lupa terus psl mcg kwn aku tuh..
"Eyt, sorry. kedit xde td. baru je top up" he replied. "nk mcg dgn...trus top up ye?haha" dalam hati aku ; mamat niyh. PERASAN betol ! Ish, geram betol aku. terus aku delete mcg tuh. tgh tahan geram niehh. sampai org JIMboy tue kasi aku ABC pon aku xsedar.aku igt aku xnk reply da. sbb geram. xpe la. aku lupa motif aku !
........Reply text kawan aku dlu....... =.=
pikir punya pkir.hurm..reply la. t aku plak menyesal.
"Ish, xde la. nk msg kwn ckp pasal raya. gpon baru pasan je mcg nie" hurm. kelentong la skit.terpaksa. huk
"haha. R u trying to fool me sha ? I know you very well " alamak..sudahh. dy patut nye da xigt ape2 psl aku ! dy yg plih xnk aku da. hurm..nie nk nangis nie. :(
aku pon dgn gagahnye ; " ey, btol la. sekarang nie mlm2 org letak phone dalam laci tau. xnk tgk phone punya pasal. "
huh, mmg btol pon. xpe, tgk.ape dy reply. "haha. I've read ur blog la mkck"
eii..geramnye aku dgn pkcik tinggi n! hurm.xpe2.aku pon reply ; "Alaa..mcm la dlm blog sha ade tulis. "I'll top up just to mcg you." ade?xde kn..haaa. ;p" utk mnghilangkn rase aku yg tgh geram nie. mcm2 smiley la aku letak. :)
"Mmg la xde. but i know la..i always know." aku dgr mcm tue trus aku rase sedey. erm, dy kenal aku lagi. erkk,, ika!!! tahan! tahan!
suddenly he sent me this ; "sha..." aku duduk, terus pegang dada aku. ish, rase cm kene current. =.= "huh? yea..y?" i replied. "sje..haa..ntah pe dy rase org pggil dy g2.haha." tyme tue aku da rase aku cam org bodoh. dy treat aku mcm tue. nk main2 kn aku lagi ke? tolong la..i can't resist. I'm building the strength from zero, time dy layan aku mcm taik! but he ruined it all.
n..he did say this ; "I want to make you feel better because I heard you are being so miserable" aku da agk geram da time tu.ape?? do you think that I am THAT WEAK !??! "xpe la. its ok. i don't want to burden you kalo btol xnk mcg.lgpon it's my miserable.not urs. and it isn't ur responsibility anymore to make me feel better" he replied ; "hey, it's mine when i'm the cause k? just enjoy it k? ;p" arhh..how could i enjoy if my emotion is not that stable and i might FALL FOR YOU AGAIN? and with that smiley, i think he should put this smiley ' :) ' rather than ' ;p '. It does not make me feel any better. i replied ; "its my feeling. how sure are you i won't fall for you again ?n...it's a lot miserable to accept that you are going to treat me as a fren. because i've told ya..i'm still waiting."
guess what he said people? It's simple ; " Then, keep on waiting. ;) " I feel that i am very2 freaking damn so stupid ! ='( "yea..till i met new guy i think. hahaha" "it's up to you sha." Aku rase makin bodoh! ahhh...!! hey, boy doesn't you get it ?? if you can resist seeing me with other guy, how could you expect the same thing from me?seeing you with other girl? do you think that i'm okay with that? NO, I'M NOT OKAY!!!
Well, the text ended up by saying that " I can't resist this conversation anymore and it's buhbye from now..tataa" still. he hadn't reply my last text no matter how many times i remind him to reply my last msg so that i won't wait. I don't know what's up with that guy. He comforted me in a lot different way. he shouldn't bring up the thing that he really want to take me away from sadness. He should not even remind me for what he used to call me before.he just has to approach me and started with something that might make me forget about it while texting him. I'm not only losing you but also bestfriend.
It is a bright and cool morning. I don't know why. Instead, it does not raining. huhu. So how does my day starts? It started at 0000 as I was chatting with him which he asked me to call him Afoq, the SASian. Arhh, guess that I miss him quite a lot. :) Met him at KESUMA and he was quite charming. No doubt, with tall and broad shoulder yet quite tough. Well, the hockey player normally looks like that right ? U bet. The most girl's preference. ;p So, well i chatted with him nearly 3 hours and i enjoyed it so much. I slept at 3. and just wake up at 8.30. look at my phone anndd.. say what?! the num...ber. o'oh. I could feel like the electric current has just passed me through. guess that i should put the thinner resistance so it won't really effect my day. haha. so xpe la. i did reply his text.it's ok. no need to say it here.malas nk igt because i'm still one progression. ahh, kene kuat ! kene jgak ! pakse diri ! huhu. and the bother line, acah and dina said jgan lebey2! i guess i obeyed the bother line even though i feel like nk lebey2 jgak. hahaha. chill2 ! I'm strong ! yeahh... ;)
So this holiday, i notice something weird. I mean the boys that i dumped 2 years ago or my be year ago..contacting me back. uh huh. i tell you it was SCARY. ok let me start with the 1st one.
Ex-koleqian boy ; I was watching the NEWS on TV as i noticed my phone was vibrating. aik, he called. so i picked up the phone and.. "hello" and... the conversation becomes smooth. ohh, i miss him as a friend of course. so he seems fine and i don't want to bother him as he's going to have tests on the upcoming days. I'm wishing him luck and continue my day as usual. It's ok. i misscall him first and hope to get the good feedback then. and yeahh, I'm happy. :)
Ex-camping boy ; I was tidying up my house when again i noticed my phone keeps on vibrating. ohh, dia rupanya. so I approached him as usual. asking how has he been. what was him doing and blah3. tiba2... "awk, saya tunggu awak lepas SPM tau. :) " ohh, hell. i'm in trouble. dy igt lg ?? I thought it was all over as i said that thingy. I also have forgotten for what i was saying. alamak. yes, credit when off! pheww...so i didn't reply. he really waits for me for real ? unbelievable. he called me last night. i rejected the calls and at last, i answered it sweetly. I mean i taste the feeling before so i wont let others get the same back at least not FROM ME. So with tons of fake explanations and good reasons, i was able to handle the heart with care. :) but seriously, the thing do not only stops there, i have to talk to him later after the SPM. bbbaaassyyya!!
Ex-tuition classmate ; Wake up for sahur. look at my phone and aik, he texts me and got some misscalls from him. so msg2..he splited this word. " ohh, sayang btol kamu kt aku yek." hah? wth? aduhh.plik3. so i replied him back. "mesti la.kau kan kwn aku :) " don't forget the smileys. so it continues during the nights and i found out that arhh. dy jdik mat rempit !!! lumba haram? aiyaaa... scary nye.. and3, he wants to meet me? ohh..again not with mat rempit. it does scare me a lot. so, for sake of friendship i said, "ya2.boleh jea" but didn't even made up promises.i should think of good excuses after this. phewww..what has been up lately ?
what's up on today? today i've done a lot of work. yeah, cleaning stuffs and cooking ! :) lately, it's like my job to cook for the whole family since mom is not really feeling well, so i'll take the responsibility to cook for them. yea. it's a bit tough as dad is a bit fussy about food and keep on comparing the food with mom's. it happens to be that way. but not for this while. haha. abah kate sedap. well, i'm happy. :)
erm currently i'm trying hard not to think about it. so much things to do.i'll keep myself busy every moments so that i will not think about it often.
List of things to do so it won't really play on my mind ;
Don't visit his profile often. well, it's a lot miserable. xpe. cuba!
Don't try to look at my mobile phoneat night. I might starting to miss him.
Keep myself areal busy.Pretty much, it's tiring.It burden me a lot. Cess.
Value those people around me especially friends and family.
Recite Quran more. It helps me to reduce my stress toward everything especially him and my studies.
Don't listento love song especially the broken hearted one. If i'm not show it physically, i'll be crying inside heavily. Better not.
Contact other people if i'm starting to push on his number. thanks rizman, zul, and korek. haha. sorry kalau kacau korang. ;)
Delete hisnumber! I've done it. however, how would i delete his number from my memories?
Don't look at his pictureagain ! it would bring up all the memories back.
I was back to school this week with sadness. Really2 sad ! :( so as soon as i done praying. syahirah n other dorm mates surrounded me. dorg duduk n tanye.
"wan kenapa ni? mcm sedih je. what happen ?" muke aku time tu usah cerita la.mmg xde mood. ahh, toye semcm. "aku..aku da...dgn dy"
aku pelok syahirah. terasa sgt time tu. i was crying again. ntah berapa galo0n da air mata aku kuar. hanis dtg, usap2 blakang aku.
"betol ke nie wan ? mcm xpercaya je. kau mcm nie aku pon terasa tempiasnye. ish, kenapa aku rasa sedih jugak ni." "kenapa ni nenek? aku da hilang ayah. aku hilang atok aku sekali ke ?"Bella dtg duduk tepi katil aku. aku tau dia xtau apa2 cerita. niat dy nk bergurau. rupa2 nye btol2. trus dy tnye lagi. "ehh betol ke nie?" aku mengangguk2. "aah bella. betol. " :(
that time. kawan2 aku tanye aku kenape? aku xtau nk jwb ap. senyap aje. aku ckp aku xfhm. memang xfaham kenape dy buat mcm tue. xde sebab yang konkrit. aku xbleh trima sebab tu..x boleh langsung.xpe lahh.dorg suh aku mandi. so capai towel pg shower. bru je aku nk masuk dlm shower, safy bru kuar.
"oyh, kenape nie ?" aku senyum jea. xlarat nk ckp.aku trus msuk lm shower. bukak air. "eyh wan. ko tgk x vid yg aku suh ko tgk? aku chat ngn yen tau x?"n..blah3. happynye kwn aku nie. aku tumpang gembira safy. :) aku donggakkn air shower tue bia sampai muka aku. ahh, sakitny xilang lagi. aku jerit dlm shower tue. "saffyyy!! aku da xde pape ngn dy!" walopon byk air yg bjujran atas muka aku. aku still dpt rase air mata aku kuar. "aku tau."safy jawab.
aku terdiam. aku tau dy ckp mcm td nk buat aku lupa masalah aku.kau bwat mcm mane pon safy, aku still pkir jgak. sorry.
"kenapa aku rase dy buat mcm tue sbb terpaksa? aku rase dy ad sbb laen. "
aku diam lagi. mandi.mandi.mandi. aku kluar shower.nmpk safy kt sbelah shower aku. ohh, dy tunggu aku rupanya.xpelahh. aku kuar nk blik dorm dgn dy. tbe2 jmpe ain.
"wan are you okay mama wan?" "no, i'm not okay." berkaca blik mata aku. "eyh, don't cry. shhhh..shhh.." safy dr belakang lari..trus tutup mata aku. "dahh!! jgn nanges!!"dy jerit. aku senyum..tp xbleh thn.meleleh jgak akhirnye.
*Berbuka puasa. dining hall.
aku tgk safy senduk nasi. dy buh utk satu meja. smpy turn aku. "cukup x?" "ish byk sgt. buang lagi." kawan-kawan smea plik pndang aku. aku tau dorg plik nape nasi yg aku mntak agk sikit dr biase. sorry, aku xlalu nk makan. "wan, habiskn nasi." "sorry, aku xlarat. perot sakit" "da masuk angin la tue? awat hang xmkn wan ? dr bler hang xmkn nie ?" "aku mkn lahh.tp skit je.xlalu" "hang nie laa...da2."
"safy, aku nk call dy mlm nie." "ok. kau nk aku ad kt sebelah ke? " "aah.nk."aku angguk.
aku pergi mintak aisyah krim halia.arhh..nk sapu kt perot.skitnye rase. aku masuk je dlm dorm phoenix 2. aisyah tanye..
"anything to story?" aku nganguk n trus bercerita. kwn2 aku kasi support.mlm tue aku xlarat nk terawih. perot teramat la skit.
*mlm. phoenix 1. lepas prep.
"wan jom makan !" perghh..mlm tue.dorm aku gler kaya dgn mknn.bella bwk cucur udang.khairan bwk murtabak. syahirah bwk spageti n bandung.perghh,.sedap.najwa bwk yong tau fu.miza bwk air honeydewn kuih muih.sarah plak bwk 3 jenis mee. hehe. abes la smea pakse aku mkn. mkn jgak la. sbb sedap.haha.tp tyme tue aku asyik igt nk call jea. tp kwn2 aku xbg call. dorg suh mkn kenyang2 and tdoe.hmmm..tp..aku degil.
* after light off..
be patient wan. sabar2.call dy dlu.relax..perlahan2.hmm.aku pg call dy tnpa pengetahuan kwn2 aku. mula2 dy xangkt. tp lepas tue dy angkt. dy ckp acuh x acuh. sedeh nye aku rase.xsempat aku nk ckp "bye" dy da tutup. sgt kasar. aku xkre. aku capai journal tue and trus menulis.
"IF YOU ASK ME, HOW MANY TIMES MY HEART HAS BEEN BROKEN, I WILL TELL YOU TO LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND COUNT THE STARS"
