So, this is for you.

This is to respond to your previous text.

Bismillah,
So, here it goes...

Dear you,
It was your birthday yesterday. So I decided to at least free my mind from remembering you. At least, I tried. though I know every time I paused, I might be thinking of you again. And I purposely went out with my housemates, had picnic, and pushed myself for bush-walking and hiking as hard and as far as I could. So that when I went home last night, I could jump on my bed and sleep without even thinking of your text you've sent through him. Somehow it irritates me, but I keep on reading the text over and over again. It feels like the missing parts are there, because there are so many things were left unsaid between us.

Yes, we remember it differently. And if you asked me the conversation we had 6 years ago at the bus station, I still can remember it clearly. And I still can tell you, how did I feel at the moment. But keeping it to myself seems better :)

I don't know how to make this sounds right. And yes, I can't resist you in my life in the meantime. I think I wasted my time over a person who really do not know how to appreciate myself & I am frustrated too because each time I tend to believe in you, you've break the trust and for now it has been 3 times. This 3rd time is very hurtful. It hurts so much. You ruined the whole me when I have bigger things to think especially my mom. And I still remember how you told me right on my face that you are eyeing on other girl when I was organizing my mom. Masa tengah tukar pampers mak, Masa tengah pujuk mak untuk tidur. Allah, really it was too hurtful to sleep. And that's the most harsh things a person has ever done to me. And to forgive is even harder no matter how much you wanted to say sorry.

Awak,
I know you understand how I feel on you. I know you can tell. But really, the time for you now is never right for me. I am fighting to get over you. I wanted to kill the feeling on you so much because I don't want to think there is still hope for me. I wanted to run away as far as I could but I keep on gasping for air sometimes. It hurts both ways though. To run away and to keep you close. I'm not going to restrain you on doing anything you wanted to do. I've told you before, do whatever you think it's right. Anyway, thank you for all the reminders. Those are the things that you always remind me on most of the texts before this especially my rushing and skipping meal habits but InshaaAllah I would take care of myself.

It feels so long for not writing long texts and long hopes.

And yeah, this is for you :
I hope things are going well for you in Malaysia. Your business & your study.
Treat umi & ayah as good as you can. Don't let them down again. You are the man of the family and they rely so much on you. Be a good son and a good brother too. Life is not about you, your own self but it's about how you please Allah at the first place. Please drive carefully, jangan bawak laju2 sangat cause I know you do that often. Set alarm untuk bangun subuh selalu cause I'm not there to wake you up anymore. Good luck in any of your basketball games. You've got my support, right here in Adelaide :)

Wan Syafiqa.

*Well, hopefully I don't keep you waiting for any longer.

Birth day.

I still have 30 minutes before the clock strikes 12 am today (Adelaide time).

So before I sleep, happy 21st birthday.

I promised you before I would be the 1st person to wish this year. I still hope I did, yesterday. I still keep the gift that I wanted to give you so badly. It is still neatly wrapped in my drawer but I decided to give it to the person who is worth giving. Indeed, I planned throughout the time to tell you how much I care on your birthday but it is just a plan now. And I know the values will never be the same anymore. I promised you that I would include you in my every prayers. And yes, I do. I pray that Allah keeps us away from each other. And, I am sorry for not replying all of your whatsapp texts. I do feel bad, but thinking twice it is better for me not to reply them. I just don't want the conversation to keep on driving. I'm afraid that I'm gonna hurt myself back. Don't worry, I don't delete your last 3 texts before I read them, and I am safely arrived this morning. Alhamdulillah. I hope I never even reply or received your 1st 'hi-text' 6 years ago. I wish, I never knew you in my life. And my biggest wish to you this year is that, please help me to forget you. Tolong saya untuk lupakan awak because it is never easy at the first place. Hopefully, that's the perfect gift you received from me. Might be your last birthday greetings from me too and I would never hope for another one. Happy 21st birthday, again :)

Mak & Abah yang disayangi keranaNYA

Buat Mak & Abah yang dicintai kerana Allah,

Dekat 2 minggu ika kt Malaysia. Dekat 2 minggu jugak dapat direct tarbiyyah. Macam2 perasaan these few days. Seriously, rasa macam hari hari menangis pun ada. Allah, sayunya bila tengok mak hari-hari mengerang sakit, lemah atas kerusi roda, sepanjang hari akan baring atas katil, bila suap makan 5 suap pun paling maksimum, kadang-kadang mak cakap apa pun ika tak faham dah. Tau je mak ada fikir something tapi bila nak sampaikan tu tak boleh kan? Sebab ammonia yang sangat tinggi dah naik ke kepala. Hati mak dah tak berfungsi elok. Makin lama ika belajar, makin lama ika faham sakit mak ni. Kita tengok pun dah seksa, ni kan pulak mak yg rasa. Nak tolong macam mana pun ika dah tak tau dah. Kak yang & kak long yang dah ada title doktor pun kadang2 stressful nak buat keputusan apa yang terbaik untuk mak. Ika yang baru jaga mak full-time pun rasa penat sangat, Hari-hari rasa macam nk terbongkang je tidur 3 hari 3 malam. Kadang-kadang kena berjaga malam sebab mak tak dapat tidur and selalu menangis. Serius, mak memang Superwoman! Supermom! Hebat semangat mak ni lawan sakit mak sehebat mak besarkan kteorg 5 beradik dulu! Sayangnya mak dan hebatnya mak urus keluarga dulu. Hari-hari balik sekolah, mesti ada lauk atas meja & rumah dah berkemas. Setiap pagi mesti ada breakfast & kadang2 mak siap sempat buat bekal lagi. Dulu mak mengajar sekolah petang, tapi bila balik rumah, directly mak mesti terus buat dinner & nasi lemak sebab nk jual kat budak asrama sekolah RMM. Bila raya, mesti mak amik tempahan kuih sebab nak dpat extra money. Hebatnya mak cari duit dulu nak besarkan kteorang. Mak hebat sangat dulu, masak untuk berpuluh-puluh orang, rileks je. Power tenaga mak Allah kasi. Tapi sekarang, apa pun mak tak larat nak buat dah. Mandi, makan & tukar pampers semua kena mintak tolong orang. Rindunya nak makan masakan mak :( last ika makan pun before fly awal tahun hari tu mak bekalkan ikan bawal masak sambal & sayur lemak. Rindu sangat nk bersembang dengan mak. Last dapat mengadu pun masa ika telefon dari Aussie before exam. And masa tu jugak suara mak happy sangat and I was very enjoy talking to you. But then after a week, kesihatan mak merosot. merosot sangat and it keeps on declining sampai sekarang. Terkedu kejap bila kak yang cakap,

"Ika, do you know that it's a miracle yang mak boleh bangun balik ni?"

Allah kata berdoalah, akan dia kabulkan doa kepada sesiapa yg bedoa kepadanya [2;186] Sungguh Allah maha mendengar. Lagi hebat abah yang sentiasa disisi mak! Sabar abah layan kerenah mak dekat 5 tahun mak lawan penyakit ni. Dulu masa mula disahkan hepatitis C, mak amik alpha-interferon & ribavirin but those treatments gives side effects dekat mak espc hyper-tension. Masa tu mood mak tak boleh jangka-jangka. Tapi abah tetap cool, tetap sabar, tetap rileks though mak kadang2 jerit dekat rumah. In between mak sakit sungguh ni, ika still dekat aussie, along, kak yang & kak ngah kerja, adik dah kena pergi UTM, lapor diri. Abah yang jaga mak full-time, buat kerja rumah, cuci & lipat kain. Abah masak untuk mak hari hari. Tambah mak ada certain diets yang kena follow sebab at the same time mak ada diabetes. Abah yang akan cucuk insulin hari-hari kat mak. hari2 jugak abah akan amikkan wuduk untuk mak, pakaikan  telekung untuk mak, ajar mak solat etc. Bila ika balik dari jaga mak kat hospital, ika dah memang terjelepok tak larat. Banyak jugak tidur awal2 sampai rumah, tapi bila bangun. semua benda abah dah siapkan. Abah kejut, ajak makan je. Allah, masa tu rasa mcm impress sgt. Respect sgt dengan abah. 

MasyaAllah, abah. You are a great Imam!

MasyaAllah, mak. You are a wife of a great Imam!

Kawan-kawan datang melawat mak,abah boleh senyum lagi berlawak2 lagi sebab itu mmg nature abah. Tak pernah lari dari usik orang. I know deep down inside abah sedih, rupanya waktu mak koma, banyak kali abah menangis.This circumstances has changed everybody in the house so badly. Semua orang dah jadi kuat & tak harap bergantung kat siapa2 dah. Kak yang dah boleh drive balik rumah dari taiping. Adik who was once the baby in the family can now travel by her own to Johor which kteorg tak expect she can do it. And I have to travel by myself sorang2 balik aussie without anyone around. Anyone whom we expect to wave you goodbye before pergi departure hall. Every things happen for reasons. Hikmah Allah uji kami sekeluarga mematangkan semua orang dalam rumah ni rupanya. 

Abah & mak,

Bila kata sayang mak & abah  kerana Allah. Mudah-mudahan anakmu yg degil & kuat melawan cakap suatu masa dulu ni, menjadi tiket dan saham kalian di akhirat nanti. Kerana 3 perkara yang menjamin pahala berterusan ialah ;

1) Ilmu yang berguna 

2) Harta yang diinfakkan ke jalan Allah

3) Doa anak yang soleh

IAllah, moga anakmu ini menjadi salah satu penyebab mak & abah ke syurga. Srikandi pejuang ummah yang sentiasa berusaha menjadi khalifah Allah & ummat Rasulullah yang lebih baik. Allahuma Ameen. 

:(

2 hal yang ingin ku sampaikan kepadamu saat jauh dari mu:

1. Aku rindu
2. Bahkan rinduku tidak mampu mengalahkan rindumu.

Bertabahlah hati! Balik aussie nanti housemates ada, akhwat ada, usrati ada :)

Rindu sangat rasa, tapi tak berani angkat muka bila ada depan mata. Malah rupa dia & dia pakai baju apa pun aku tak tahu. Wahai pemilik hati, yang pegang & suntik rasa kat hati ini, sungguh jauhkan aku dari dia. Luka rasa macam berdarah balik. Kenapa 6 tahun perkenalan yang menyakitkan ni, hati tak serik-serik lagi?

Wan Syafiqa, wake-up! Dan sedarlah diri, awak tu di mana di hati dia?
Yes, nothing.

I'm home for the second time.

Yesterday I received a heart breaking news. It's really heart-wrenching. I feel nervous and everything. I wasn't expect that it's going to make me feel worry this much. I started to feel uneasy when my dad said,

"Iqa, tak payah balik la. Terima je apa jadi pun. 

Duduk je kat Adelaide tu. Buat test"

I tried to hide my feelings but yeah, I've failed. Burst into tears, back. These few weeks are my critical week. I had my 3 tests over the last week. Founding that I nearly passed my virology mid-term test was a big hit on me enough. I was disappointed. And I realized that my other two tests were never be an excellent too. It is not that I didn't study but I just can't do it, I was putting much much effort but I just don't know why. T.T

So, receiving a very big news from Malaysia driven me into dilemma. I have my oral presentation & lab report due this week. Not forgetting a test. But noted that it's your only mother whom you can't trade with anything off, what's the point of living and staying in Adelaide but your soul is already flew back to home where you belong? Living away from family like miles miles away making me feel very helpless. I wanted to help, but I just can't and you're always be the very last person who knows everything. I feel helpless. Really. 

I called home at Friday night, hoping to talk to my mom. But my dad said, my mom was sleeping the whole day and she can't open her eyes. So my thought was it's a normal thing for her since that's the symptom that can be seen for those who suffers her disease. But never thoughts, she would have a very very long sleep and they say, she's coma at the moment. I know, that's a very bad sign. a very bad one. 

Akhwatiy-fillah, jzkk for the tickets. Only Allah knows and can repay back your goodness. I feel very touched. I got a very good companies from each person of you. I received lots of inspired wishes which motivates me to stay strong and being reminded that Allah tests are for those whom He knows can handle it. A big test its for someone yg qawwiy! Allah is the best of planners after all. Thank you very much. Uhibbukfillah :') My flight from Adelaide-mebourne was okay. And my flight from melbourne-malaysia was even fine. I was seated beside a very friendly mother's touch vietnamese woman. She saw I was sobbing and cried a lil bit. Though that I was the only one who needs to handle a very big crash inside me, her test is even greater. She's going back to her dad's funeral because of liver cancer. And she received that shocking news during her exam day. Just right before her exam. But she seemed very calm, and she relaxed me back. She said that death is at the God's hand. What we can do is keep on praying and God knows the best. Allahu, thanks Allah for reminding this to me again through that woman. 

Alhamdulillah, things are at eased.

Please pray for my mom. 

Moga Allah kurniakan yang terbaik 

kerana Allah itu maha mengetahui. 

Wan Syafiqa kan, kuat? ;')

Bersabarlah wahai hati

Belajar percaya dan yakin,
Bahawa tiada "sad ending".

Yang ada cuma kebahagian yang ditangguhkan,
Sama ada diganti dengan yang lebih baik.
Atau disimpan sehingga tiba saat dan masa yang sesuai.

Mudahnya,
kalau ia adalah ketentuan dan kehendak Tuhan,
Maka apakah yang menyedihkan?

Percayalah, kehendakmu selalu terburu,
namun kehendak Allah sentiasa tepat pada waktu.
Dan tiada lebih bahagia daripada menunggu pilihanNya yang tertulis khusus untukmu.

*Jazakillah for the reminders :)

His plans are greater than my dreams.

Assalamualaikum, silent readers :)

Hari ni dah seminggu rasanya melayan perasaan sedih sensorang. Alhamdulillah, lepas pergi mabit, qiam dapat kumpulkan sikit kekuatan hati ni. Rasa malu kat diri sendiri pun ada. Panggil diri sebagai akhowat, muslimah yang patutnya tahu prioritize apa yang penting dan perlu buat masa ni, tapi masih lagi boleh fikir benda benda yang tak sepatutnya fikir pun sekarang. Maaf kalau siapa yang terasa. Kerana saya juga seorang perempuan, sharing itu satu azimat. Berkongsi itu ubat penenang. Susah jugak kalau sakit telan sorang sorang, perit pendam sendirian. Cuma nk ringankan perasaan ni sikit. Sikit je.

Alhamdulillah, hari ini makin rasa recharged. Akhowat yang dikasihi kerana Allah, jazakillahukhair atas perkongsian & for the time spent. Memang manusia ini tak pernah sempurna. Ada masa tersungkur jugak. Lebih2 lagi bila dalam umur saya ni, emotionally unstable memang lah selalu. Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan yang rahmat Allah itu lagi luas. Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan untuk sentiasa bersangka baik, husnuzon dengan Allah. Perancangan Allah itu sangat baik. Mana mungkin dia uji seseorang dengan ujian yang bertimpa timpa selain ingin kita kembali pada Dia. Takkan Dia letakkan satu satu ujian kalau dia tak tahu yang hamba dia yang comel ni, hehe tak mampu terima. Kan? :)

Perit hati ini memang saya dan Dia sahaja tahu. Yakinlah yang Dia memang tahu perasaan hamba Dia ni. Yakinlah dia sentiasa memerhati dan mendengar kerana Dia maha melihat dan mendengar. Yakinlah juga yang jodoh dan pertemuan juga hadiah dari Dia. Walau tak tahu apa hikmah disebaliknya, percayalah memang ada sebab Dia uji begini.

Walau hati ini masih kuat mengatakan dia, mungkin jarak waktu berpisah kali ini menyiapkan diri kita untuk masa depan. Mungkin Dia sedang memberi ruang utk awak dan dia untuk muhasabah dan reflect diri. Supaya dia faham, erti hilang sesuatu dan bersyukur memiliki sesuatu. Kerana Dia lihat awak perlu tingkatkan fokus utk pelajaran, Bukan mudah nak jadi pelajar Biomedical Sc ni. Kerana Dia lihat awak masih lagi merangkak2 dengan dakwah. Mungkin kerana dia lihat, this is not the right time yet utk fkir pasal kahwin. Tanggungjawab yang lain pun banyak lagi nak settle lagi kan? Wan Syafiqa, hidup awk ni bukan untuk awak sorang. Hidup ini nak cari redha Illahi. So give your very best now for your family! Tunaikan hak hak awak yang sepatutnya awak laksanakan dulu, anak, adik, kakak, sbg kawan, naqibah, anak usrah, daie etc. Sebagai isteri belum lagi, kerana Dia rasa masa ini belum sesuai lagi. Jadi, sabarlah dulu. Tunggulah dulu... :)

Dan persiapkan lah diri ni juga, kalau Allah kata orang itu bukan dia. Bila awak je yang menjaga hati untuk orang yang awak reserve, plan untuk jumpa parents dia sebab awak serius untuk berkahwin, tapi orang tu tak jaga apa pun, instead boleh sangkut pulak kat orang lain. Means hati dan perasaan dia pun belum betul2 sealed kedap udara punya gituu. Sebab kita sedang berusaha menjadi yang soleh solehah so bila kita dah ada calon, tak perlu fikir orang lain dah tapi perlu teruskan usaha untuk istiqamah selalu. Means, pergaulan dia pun tak terjaga sehebat awak....Bila mana awak memandang jarak jauh itu sebenarnya adalah satu hikmah kerana Allah nak jaga kita, letakkan kita berjauhan and when the time is right, kita dapat rasa manisnya & hargai masa masa bersama sebab sebelum ni kita susah nak jumpa hari hari. Penat tunggu masing masing tapi masih mampu bertahan bukan harapkan sesuatu yang dekat hanya kerana nafsu syahwat. Means, hati dan trust dia kepada Allah juga tak sehebat awak...Bak kata seorang ukhti, kerana awak layak mendapat yang lebih baik. Sebab yang lebih perfect, lebih hebat, lebih buat awk cair tu belum sampai lagi. He's taking the long way. Buat awak tunggu dulu sebab dia pun macam awk jugak. Sibuk dengan pelajaran, sibuk dengan dakwah, sibuk nak baiki diri dulu sebelum jumpa awk. So that even if he was not in your vocabulary, he will be the only word you know later. Dan bila sampai masanya, he'll do it in a very right way. No approaches on me anymore, instead approaching my dad.

Kerana janji Allah, lelaki yang baik adalah untuk perempuan yang baik. Bila hujung minggu awak ada usrah, dia pun sama punya fikrah, bukan dah keluar dengan kawan kawan tgk wayang. Bila malam-malam awak dah selamat sampai rumah dia pun sama mcm tu, bukan dah lepak kat rumah kawan dan kawan perempuan especially sampai lewat malam, pukul 12 baru balik. Bila awk aktif menguruskan program, dia pun sibuk dengan aktiviti yang berfaedah bukan duduk rumah hujung minggu tengok movie @ tgk series atau sentiasa complaint yang awk sibuk itu ini. Sebab, apa yang awak buat selama ini ialah perkara yang mencari redha Illahi. Ingatlah wahai hati, awak itu muslimah yang mahal. Bukan calang calang lelaki boleh dapat awak. Tak perlu pun buang masa fikir lebih lebih buat masa ini. Pretty much I am sure, Allah is telling me, this is not the time yet to think anything about this. Kumpul duit bebanyak duluuu. hehe. Yang penting luahkan rasa and masa banyak2 pada Dia so that hati dan perasaan ni terjaga. Keep on doing good things. Istiqamah and makes Allah please with you 1st. Janji ye, never again buka ruang untuk mana mana lelaki okay awak :)

O Allah, 

please do not make

me fall in love again

when 

time is not yet right.