I don't want this anymore.

Peeps,

it hurts. it hurts on everywhere.

and this time, it hurts deeper.

I think I can't go on any further with him though he travels all the way long from melbourne.

I don't think I can handle him when this aching heart is still wounded.

So, without any doubts I called him up and tell him everything that I can't go on with him.

I feel sorry and appreciate the efforts but I'm sorry, it's really a no.

But still, I can't handle a guy who easily gets his heart fluctuating.

I can't handle a guy who keeps on feeling unsure about me.

It hurts knowing that he doesn't have feeling on me no more.

I'm going to stop everything now.

Having this kind of feeling is never pleasant & it somehow destroys you to the very bits.

But maybe it just happens to be that way.

So I'm gonna leave everything on Him.

"Dear Allah,

I know things are not going on well. I'm hurting myself over and over again.

I had tears as my best companions throughout the year. 

I'll be having a big day tomorrow but when my heart hurts, I hurt my head as well.

I can't think straight and I lose my appetite.

Though I've been through all this,

I know its a sign from you showing me your love,

Because every time I cried, my hopes and my prayer seems to get harder.

I believe and rely on you more.

O Allah, I want to meet a guy who loves me unconditionally. 

Who would always look at me and afraid that he would ever break my heart.

I want a guy who would not running away from misunderstanding and fixed everything for me.

I want to meet a guy who thinks about marriage, not someone for me to walk around and be happy.

I want a guy who says sorry when he does mistakes because,

a simple sorry works very well on me. 

After all, I need someone who wants to hold my hand and enter the Jannah together.

Allah, grant me patience!

I don't want to have any seconds thinking about this anymore.

I want to finish my final year so badly.

Keep me strong and firm going through this.

Please keep me on the track"

The people I love are fading away

12.24 AM

*lights off, on the bed with quilt cover on me

*Summer just doesn't feel like summer

Peeps,

Things seem to not fall perfectly in their place. I enjoyed doing summer school but I wasn't able & eligible to take it anyway. And I was being informed at my 1st week of course, lepas buat presentation bagai & scored for high marks T_T  Okay lah, cut that out. But then there it comes, biochemistry is hitting on my way. So dengan bangganya I'm gonna face this sem dengan a year with biochemistry again. Kita dah balik Adelaide baru dapat tahu. Kalau tak dah lama duduk kat Malaysia lagi dan makan sate -__- My 1 month holiday was not a good one anyway. Now sadly, cari kerja tak jumpa kerja :( 

and things get harder now.

Because I feel like I have no support anymore. Bila mak dah takde, I just realized things get different slowly. Once I talked to my parents like 3-4days a week, but now I received no calls from my dad. They say, my dad is on the phone for almost every night. Yes, I am sad. Until now. It feels like, hilang tempat bergantung. And the one I always talked to, does not want to talk to me anymore. He seems to be different and I don't know what's going on him either. 

1) Mom has gone

2) Dad doesn't seem to care

3) He doesn't want to talk to me no more

Frankly, sungguh terasa diri ini sunyi. Buat awak yang membaca, jangan pernah samakan keluarga saya dan keluarga awak. Isu kita berbeza. Bersyukurlah awk masih punya ibu, tapi saya? kalau hilang ayah saya jugak? kat mana saya bergantung? Saya cuma ada awak untuk berkongsi. Disebabkan orang itu awak & bukan orang lain, saya beritahu awak apa yang saya fikirkan. Saya kongsi every single thoughts saya dengan awak. Awak kenal saya, dan saya kenal awak dah lama. Lama sangat. Niat hanya nak berkongsi rasa tapi it turns out to be wrong. Tak tahu mana silapnya kali ini. Kalau masih ada attitude yang sama, tak mustahil diri ini akan rasa tawar hati & annoyed. Hargai saya, sebelum orang lain datang dan hargai saya. Tindakan mendiamkan diri tanpa solusi is not a good thing. It somehow shows that you are not a man enough because you keep on running away. Kita selalu ada jalan utk berbincang, sort the things out, improve diri, work on what makes things get so awkward here. 

Pernah.

'Yang pernah merasa kehilangan pasti akan tahu

maksud sebenar menghargai,

dan kerana itu aku cuba merasa sebenar benar maksud

menghargai sebelum aku benar benar merasa kehilangan'

I don't meant it.

*Okay, sekarang ni rasa mcm nak cakap lepas je semua*

*Memang kena lepas, kalau tak rasa sakit hati lagi*

T_T 

Rasa macam nak keep it cool.

Rasa macam nak keep it down.

Tapi rupanya diri sendiri ni lelah jugak simpan sorang-sorang.

Semput jugak rasa bila perasaan ni dibiar terkontang-kanting mcm tu je. 

Bila rasa macam diri ni dah tak dipedulikan langsung.

At least, kalau tak nak jumpa, tak boleh ke bagi tahu awal awal?

I thought in really that fine morning, at least saya dapat text dari awak.

To tell the truth, I was expecting the answer sebelum malam. 

Tapi throughout the day, awak message mcm takde apa je. 

I'M LEAVING KOT.

I mean kalau taknak sangat pun boleh je kan mintak maaf elok2 send me text in the morning and tell me mungkin tak dapat datang ke hape. Seriously, rasa mcm time tu tah hape hape saya kena layan.

Rasa mcm orang bodoh pun ada. 

Rasa diperbodohkan sangat. 

Sekarang memang rasa sakit hati, bukan sedih dah.

Apalah sangat sakit hati awak yang sy tak sempat bfast dengan awak, dengan sakit hati sy yang awak layan saya mcm taik ni?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

promises, trusts itu ini semua?

Amende semua tu?

Rasa mcm nak persoalkan semua tu jee.

Betul lah kira awk memang tak boleh harap?

Betul lah ni yang saya tak boleh percaya awk 100%?

Saya rasa mcm saya ni barang yang bila awk nak, awak amik.

Bila taknak, buat bodoh je la eh?

Rasa mcm menyesal sangat dapat perasaan yang mcm ni. Patutnya saya pun ada perasaan mcm awk. On off on off mcm tu je. Kan best? 

Saya dah taknak terima kesedihan lagi tahun ni. Tahun ni ingat nak mula hidup baru.

Nak cuba set all the things right. Tolong lah jangan destroy things balik!

Kalau boleh rasa mcm nak JERIT KUAT KUAT NAK LEPASKAN SEMUA.

Annoying gila ah perangai awk tu.

Jangan sampai saya give up & delete everything back.

Anyway, 

thank you for make me feel disappointed with you again!

ps: I just want to let everything out.

I don't ask anyone to bother.

And dear you, 

please don't believe anything I said.

Because I don't really meant it.

I lost my pakcik :(

Assalamualaikum peeps.

Alhamdulillah it's a bright and beautiful morning. Rasanya ber-blogging ialah tempat paling best nk luah semua benda. Though pagi ni pagi yang best untuk diri ni menghilangkan stress and bergembira at least. Diri ni rasa macam taknak lalu pun hari ni & hari hari yang akan datang. Sungguh dah berapa kali hati ni terguris kerana orang yang sama & perkara yang sama.  Jujur saya kata saya dah dapat rasa something wrong dgn awk quite lama sbnrnya. Start bila awk rasa taknak cakap dengan saya and all. But well yeah sometimes I though people need a break. Awak pesan untuk saya bersangka baik dengan awk, tapi how could I kalau things keep on going like this? :( Tipu kalau saya kata saya tak bersedih dengan apa yang cakap semalam. Tipu kalau saya kata sepanjang saya busy, kat kem tinggal awak kejap and all, saya lupa awk. Tipu kalau saya kata, saya tak terasa bila saya hantar text kat awk, awk read, seen tapi lambat reply because it is just so not you. Tipu jugak kalau sy tak terasa bila nk jumpa awak isnin tu awk kasi saya alasan nak hantar kereta lah apa lah, when in facts byk lagi hari lain yg awak boleh hantar. Semalam bila saya kata saya nak tdur at 10.30pm which saya tak ngantuk langsung sebab saya tak tahan nak hadap awk mcm tu. Lepas bagi tahu nk tdur, lajuu je jawab salam. Aduhaii, masa tu rasa sedih yang amat. Terus rasa mcm taknak tengok whatsapp langsung. Rasa mcm awk tgh tunggu je bila saya nk tidur. Its like replying my text is a burden to you. Saya tak tahu nk react apa dekat awk sbnrnya. I don't want to make things worse. I don't want to blame anyone.

Awak,
seeing you that one night really makes me happy. Rindu. Nak bagitahu sangat tapi bila ada conversation dengan awk, you seemed not interested. I was trying hard to make things okay, tapi lepastu makan dalam saya pulak. I used to scroll back you goodnight texts bila rindu. Masa awk panggil saya, when you get very excited when I texted you telling you I'm home, tak tinggal awak dah. When you get back after class @ work and started to tell me lots of things. Bila saya buat perangai habits saya tuu, sy dah tdur dulu and awak bagi tahu saya awk nk tdur dah. Receiving a very bright text saying morning :)

Tak tahu mana hilangnya pakcik saya dah :(
I hope this only continues in the meantime. Saya dah nak balik lusa. I'm not happy to leave Malaysia and you like this. Hati ini masih mengatakan awak. We've been through for 7 years and I still want to be with you on upcoming years.

Bintang Hati

Assalamualaikum readers,

sejak dua menjak ni, rasa rindu kat mak makin menjadi-jadi. Dalam masa ni jugak, setiap kali teringat, setiap kali itu meleleh. Sungguh, aku rindukan kata-kata semangat dari mak di waktu-waktu begini. Musim peperiksaan. Kebiasaanya, aku akan telefon mak setiap kali esk exam. Tapi sekarang perlu bina semangat sendiri. Makin lama mak tinggalkan kami sekeluarga, makin sayang dan makin rindu. Sungguh, tak sabar nk jumpa mak balik on one fine day. Nak cerita macam macam dengan mak. Nak bagi tahu mak, anak dia yang sorang ni tahun depan dah final year. Dah nak grad. Nak bincang dengan mak, lepas degree nk sambung master atau tak. Banyak sangat cerita nk kongsi. Nak bagi tahu mak, cucu mak dah keluar. Comel & bila tidur selalu sangat nganga je. haha. Rindu untuk berkongsi cerita. Allahuu, aku sangat rindu!

Mak, hendaknya mak tenang di sana. Moga-moga kehidupan mak di alam sana jauh lebih baik dari kehidupan kami disini. Mudah-mudahan seronokya kehidupan di sana mampu buat mak lupa derita & sakit mak di dunia. Ika takkan putus berdoa utk Allah hadiahkan mak syurga. Ika takkan putus mintak Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa mak. Ika takkan putus untuk cuba menjadikan diri ini pelaburan mak yang terhebat untuk akhirat mak. Moga Allah sentiasa berikan kekuatan ini untuk kami adik beradik.

"Bintang hatiku mak, 

You are just perfect.

Ika sayang mak. Sayang mak sangat sangat.

Tapi cinta Allah itu lebih besar.

Kembalilah dengan tenang & nyaman ke pangkuaan pencipta

 dari kehidupan dunia yang tenat ni.

Mak adalah hadiah terhebat yang Allah kurniakan.

Tiada galang ganti"

Fullstop

When The-Quran talks :')

Hello peeps,

Lately, things are not really easy for me. 

Rasa macam diuji yang non-stop. Lepas datang satu, satu lagi datang. 

Mula kenal second year biomed dah rasa macam culture shock dah. Okay, seems that I underestimated 2nd year sangat, Ingatkan boleh lenggang-lenggang kangkung, chill chill macam first year tapi yes, made a mistake. Well, I just did. So I failed on my biochemistry on the first sem. Dapat supplementary exam pun tapi tak dapat-dapat nak topup 3 markah je pun. heh. But after all, Allah is the best of planners kan.  

DAH TAK SABAR RASA NAK GRAD. Padahal baru second year dah nyawa-nyawa ikan dah. Mana cita-cita nak buat master awak tu? =.=

Its nearly the end of this year. Tahun depan dah 2015. And currently tengah exam week. Semester ni dah banyak sangat balik Malaysia. Sampai 3 kali kita balik. So bila balik, 2 weeks of classes wasted. Tapi 2 weeks tu nk cover balik rasa macam 2 bulan punya study. Punya lah banyak kena cover. Nak catch up mashaAllah, terbutang mata teman ni aihh. Sampai nk muntah dengar lecture recording half of the sem. Dalam two weeks tu pulak lecturer kasi non-stop assesment. Online, tests, oral presentation and ada assesment yang sadly tertinggal jugak sebab tak dapat nk contribute works kt groupmates. :( Sudah lah kita ni mcm concern sikit benda-benda gitu lepastu tak boleh buat and markah lain kena extend. Ohmaii rasa terrible kot. 

Tapi alhamdulillah, atas timbang rasa lecturer-lecturer kat sini yang tahu keadaan hidup yang amat teruji ni, I am granted a replacement examination so I can do my final exam 3 weeks later. Though dapat replacement exam, wan syafiqa yang rajin ni pun pegi actual exam utk biochemistry as practise sebab kita dah trauma taknak fail biochem dah. Sobss :( lepastu paper dia susah betoi, berasap kepala haa jawab. end up balik rumah, tidur terus lepas maghrib tapi terjaga tengah malam. haha. 

But after all, alhamdulillah Allah mudahkan everything. Sungguh, tuhan itu maha adil. Maha penyayang, :)

Bila Allah tarik orang yang paling hebat dalam hidup ini, mak untuk kembali kepada-Nya a month ago, Allah pujuk balik dengan ayat dalam Quran yang buat hati ni rasa sangat terharu. Yang kadang-kadang hamba Dia ni lupa & persoalakan kenapa Allah tarik dia dalam masa saya masih cope dengan perasaaan & study. Malam mak pergi, malam tu jugak bunyi beep phone utk my regular routine : 1 'ayah, 1 day.

"Maka adakah patut kamu menyangka bahawa kami hanya menciptakan kamu (dari tiada kepada ada) sahaja dengan tiada sebarang hikmah pada penciptaan itu? Dan kamu (menyangka pula) tidak akan dikembalikan kepada kami?"

Al-mukminun : 115

MashaAllah. Allah just speaks to me. Lagi kuat air mata ni turun laju-laju. Sungguh Allah itu maha penyayang, disaat hamba dia sedang lemah. Dia pujuk dan kuatkan balik dengan ayat ni. Di saat semua orang masih lagi sedih dengan pemergiaan mak, Allah hadiahkan satu nikmat, ahli keluarga baru. MashaAllah, hebat cara Allah pujuk kami sekeluarga! Hitung segala nikmat Allah bagi, that would never enough. Jadilah kamu orang yang bersyukur! kerana syukur itu juga satu nikmat :)

Despite a lot of things yang jadi kat diri ni, selepas serabut jawab biochem test baru baru ni. Just found out yang i nearly passed on my physiology test, but still failed.Risau yang rasa macam infinity tak habis habis. Rasa macam at this point I can choose whether I want to survive or not to. Tak tahu mana salahnya. Mungkin tak cukup usaha mungkin? atau itu yang terbaik? atau diuji lagi kerana Allah nak tengok how we keep on husnuzon dengan Dia? atau Dia rindukan rintihan hamba Dia ni?

And Allah speaks to me again. This time he wrapped everything in verses after verses. Sungguh Al-Quran itu penenang jiwa. Betul kata orang, kalau nak rasa Allah bercakap dengan kita, baca Quran ya. 

"dan bahawa manusia hanya memperoleh apa yang telah diusahakan,

dan sesungguhnya usahanya itu kelak akan diperlihatkan (kepadanya),

kemudian akan diberi balasan kepadanya dengan balasan yang paling sempurna,

dan sesungguhnya kepada Tuhanmulah kesudahannya (segala sesuatu), 

dan Sungguh Dialah menjadikan orang yang tertawa dan menangis,

dan sesungguhnya Dialah yang mematikan dan menghidupkan, 

Dan sesunggunya Dialah yang menciptakan pasangan laki-laki dan perempuan,

dari mani, apabila dipancarkan,

dan sesungguhnya Dialah memberi kekayaan dan kecukupan."

An-najmi: 39-48

Allahu akbar. Makin terasa diri ni yang kerdil ini. Compelete dah Allah jawab dalam Al-Quran. Jadi sesiapa yang selalu rasa down atau rasa stress ke, banyak-banyakkanlah tadabbur Al-Quran. Terapi diri IAllah. :) Imarahkan hari-hari anda dengan membaca Quran setiap hari. Kerana segala-galanya datang dengan izin dari Dia. 

So, this is for you.

This is to respond to your previous text.

Bismillah,
So, here it goes...

Dear you,
It was your birthday yesterday. So I decided to at least free my mind from remembering you. At least, I tried. though I know every time I paused, I might be thinking of you again. And I purposely went out with my housemates, had picnic, and pushed myself for bush-walking and hiking as hard and as far as I could. So that when I went home last night, I could jump on my bed and sleep without even thinking of your text you've sent through him. Somehow it irritates me, but I keep on reading the text over and over again. It feels like the missing parts are there, because there are so many things were left unsaid between us.

Yes, we remember it differently. And if you asked me the conversation we had 6 years ago at the bus station, I still can remember it clearly. And I still can tell you, how did I feel at the moment. But keeping it to myself seems better :)

I don't know how to make this sounds right. And yes, I can't resist you in my life in the meantime. I think I wasted my time over a person who really do not know how to appreciate myself & I am frustrated too because each time I tend to believe in you, you've break the trust and for now it has been 3 times. This 3rd time is very hurtful. It hurts so much. You ruined the whole me when I have bigger things to think especially my mom. And I still remember how you told me right on my face that you are eyeing on other girl when I was organizing my mom. Masa tengah tukar pampers mak, Masa tengah pujuk mak untuk tidur. Allah, really it was too hurtful to sleep. And that's the most harsh things a person has ever done to me. And to forgive is even harder no matter how much you wanted to say sorry.

Awak,
I know you understand how I feel on you. I know you can tell. But really, the time for you now is never right for me. I am fighting to get over you. I wanted to kill the feeling on you so much because I don't want to think there is still hope for me. I wanted to run away as far as I could but I keep on gasping for air sometimes. It hurts both ways though. To run away and to keep you close. I'm not going to restrain you on doing anything you wanted to do. I've told you before, do whatever you think it's right. Anyway, thank you for all the reminders. Those are the things that you always remind me on most of the texts before this especially my rushing and skipping meal habits but InshaaAllah I would take care of myself.

It feels so long for not writing long texts and long hopes.

And yeah, this is for you :
I hope things are going well for you in Malaysia. Your business & your study.
Treat umi & ayah as good as you can. Don't let them down again. You are the man of the family and they rely so much on you. Be a good son and a good brother too. Life is not about you, your own self but it's about how you please Allah at the first place. Please drive carefully, jangan bawak laju2 sangat cause I know you do that often. Set alarm untuk bangun subuh selalu cause I'm not there to wake you up anymore. Good luck in any of your basketball games. You've got my support, right here in Adelaide :)

Wan Syafiqa.

*Well, hopefully I don't keep you waiting for any longer.