Bintang Hati

Assalamualaikum readers,

sejak dua menjak ni, rasa rindu kat mak makin menjadi-jadi. Dalam masa ni jugak, setiap kali teringat, setiap kali itu meleleh. Sungguh, aku rindukan kata-kata semangat dari mak di waktu-waktu begini. Musim peperiksaan. Kebiasaanya, aku akan telefon mak setiap kali esk exam. Tapi sekarang perlu bina semangat sendiri. Makin lama mak tinggalkan kami sekeluarga, makin sayang dan makin rindu. Sungguh, tak sabar nk jumpa mak balik on one fine day. Nak cerita macam macam dengan mak. Nak bagi tahu mak, anak dia yang sorang ni tahun depan dah final year. Dah nak grad. Nak bincang dengan mak, lepas degree nk sambung master atau tak. Banyak sangat cerita nk kongsi. Nak bagi tahu mak, cucu mak dah keluar. Comel & bila tidur selalu sangat nganga je. haha. Rindu untuk berkongsi cerita. Allahuu, aku sangat rindu!

Mak, hendaknya mak tenang di sana. Moga-moga kehidupan mak di alam sana jauh lebih baik dari kehidupan kami disini. Mudah-mudahan seronokya kehidupan di sana mampu buat mak lupa derita & sakit mak di dunia. Ika takkan putus berdoa utk Allah hadiahkan mak syurga. Ika takkan putus mintak Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa mak. Ika takkan putus untuk cuba menjadikan diri ini pelaburan mak yang terhebat untuk akhirat mak. Moga Allah sentiasa berikan kekuatan ini untuk kami adik beradik.

"Bintang hatiku mak, 

You are just perfect.

Ika sayang mak. Sayang mak sangat sangat.

Tapi cinta Allah itu lebih besar.

Kembalilah dengan tenang & nyaman ke pangkuaan pencipta

 dari kehidupan dunia yang tenat ni.

Mak adalah hadiah terhebat yang Allah kurniakan.

Tiada galang ganti"

Fullstop

When The-Quran talks :')

Hello peeps,

Lately, things are not really easy for me. 

Rasa macam diuji yang non-stop. Lepas datang satu, satu lagi datang. 

Mula kenal second year biomed dah rasa macam culture shock dah. Okay, seems that I underestimated 2nd year sangat, Ingatkan boleh lenggang-lenggang kangkung, chill chill macam first year tapi yes, made a mistake. Well, I just did. So I failed on my biochemistry on the first sem. Dapat supplementary exam pun tapi tak dapat-dapat nak topup 3 markah je pun. heh. But after all, Allah is the best of planners kan.  

DAH TAK SABAR RASA NAK GRAD. Padahal baru second year dah nyawa-nyawa ikan dah. Mana cita-cita nak buat master awak tu? =.=

Its nearly the end of this year. Tahun depan dah 2015. And currently tengah exam week. Semester ni dah banyak sangat balik Malaysia. Sampai 3 kali kita balik. So bila balik, 2 weeks of classes wasted. Tapi 2 weeks tu nk cover balik rasa macam 2 bulan punya study. Punya lah banyak kena cover. Nak catch up mashaAllah, terbutang mata teman ni aihh. Sampai nk muntah dengar lecture recording half of the sem. Dalam two weeks tu pulak lecturer kasi non-stop assesment. Online, tests, oral presentation and ada assesment yang sadly tertinggal jugak sebab tak dapat nk contribute works kt groupmates. :( Sudah lah kita ni mcm concern sikit benda-benda gitu lepastu tak boleh buat and markah lain kena extend. Ohmaii rasa terrible kot. 

Tapi alhamdulillah, atas timbang rasa lecturer-lecturer kat sini yang tahu keadaan hidup yang amat teruji ni, I am granted a replacement examination so I can do my final exam 3 weeks later. Though dapat replacement exam, wan syafiqa yang rajin ni pun pegi actual exam utk biochemistry as practise sebab kita dah trauma taknak fail biochem dah. Sobss :( lepastu paper dia susah betoi, berasap kepala haa jawab. end up balik rumah, tidur terus lepas maghrib tapi terjaga tengah malam. haha. 

But after all, alhamdulillah Allah mudahkan everything. Sungguh, tuhan itu maha adil. Maha penyayang, :)

Bila Allah tarik orang yang paling hebat dalam hidup ini, mak untuk kembali kepada-Nya a month ago, Allah pujuk balik dengan ayat dalam Quran yang buat hati ni rasa sangat terharu. Yang kadang-kadang hamba Dia ni lupa & persoalakan kenapa Allah tarik dia dalam masa saya masih cope dengan perasaaan & study. Malam mak pergi, malam tu jugak bunyi beep phone utk my regular routine : 1 'ayah, 1 day.

"Maka adakah patut kamu menyangka bahawa kami hanya menciptakan kamu (dari tiada kepada ada) sahaja dengan tiada sebarang hikmah pada penciptaan itu? Dan kamu (menyangka pula) tidak akan dikembalikan kepada kami?"

Al-mukminun : 115

MashaAllah. Allah just speaks to me. Lagi kuat air mata ni turun laju-laju. Sungguh Allah itu maha penyayang, disaat hamba dia sedang lemah. Dia pujuk dan kuatkan balik dengan ayat ni. Di saat semua orang masih lagi sedih dengan pemergiaan mak, Allah hadiahkan satu nikmat, ahli keluarga baru. MashaAllah, hebat cara Allah pujuk kami sekeluarga! Hitung segala nikmat Allah bagi, that would never enough. Jadilah kamu orang yang bersyukur! kerana syukur itu juga satu nikmat :)

Despite a lot of things yang jadi kat diri ni, selepas serabut jawab biochem test baru baru ni. Just found out yang i nearly passed on my physiology test, but still failed.Risau yang rasa macam infinity tak habis habis. Rasa macam at this point I can choose whether I want to survive or not to. Tak tahu mana salahnya. Mungkin tak cukup usaha mungkin? atau itu yang terbaik? atau diuji lagi kerana Allah nak tengok how we keep on husnuzon dengan Dia? atau Dia rindukan rintihan hamba Dia ni?

And Allah speaks to me again. This time he wrapped everything in verses after verses. Sungguh Al-Quran itu penenang jiwa. Betul kata orang, kalau nak rasa Allah bercakap dengan kita, baca Quran ya. 

"dan bahawa manusia hanya memperoleh apa yang telah diusahakan,

dan sesungguhnya usahanya itu kelak akan diperlihatkan (kepadanya),

kemudian akan diberi balasan kepadanya dengan balasan yang paling sempurna,

dan sesungguhnya kepada Tuhanmulah kesudahannya (segala sesuatu), 

dan Sungguh Dialah menjadikan orang yang tertawa dan menangis,

dan sesungguhnya Dialah yang mematikan dan menghidupkan, 

Dan sesunggunya Dialah yang menciptakan pasangan laki-laki dan perempuan,

dari mani, apabila dipancarkan,

dan sesungguhnya Dialah memberi kekayaan dan kecukupan."

An-najmi: 39-48

Allahu akbar. Makin terasa diri ni yang kerdil ini. Compelete dah Allah jawab dalam Al-Quran. Jadi sesiapa yang selalu rasa down atau rasa stress ke, banyak-banyakkanlah tadabbur Al-Quran. Terapi diri IAllah. :) Imarahkan hari-hari anda dengan membaca Quran setiap hari. Kerana segala-galanya datang dengan izin dari Dia. 

So, this is for you.

This is to respond to your previous text.

Bismillah,
So, here it goes...

Dear you,
It was your birthday yesterday. So I decided to at least free my mind from remembering you. At least, I tried. though I know every time I paused, I might be thinking of you again. And I purposely went out with my housemates, had picnic, and pushed myself for bush-walking and hiking as hard and as far as I could. So that when I went home last night, I could jump on my bed and sleep without even thinking of your text you've sent through him. Somehow it irritates me, but I keep on reading the text over and over again. It feels like the missing parts are there, because there are so many things were left unsaid between us.

Yes, we remember it differently. And if you asked me the conversation we had 6 years ago at the bus station, I still can remember it clearly. And I still can tell you, how did I feel at the moment. But keeping it to myself seems better :)

I don't know how to make this sounds right. And yes, I can't resist you in my life in the meantime. I think I wasted my time over a person who really do not know how to appreciate myself & I am frustrated too because each time I tend to believe in you, you've break the trust and for now it has been 3 times. This 3rd time is very hurtful. It hurts so much. You ruined the whole me when I have bigger things to think especially my mom. And I still remember how you told me right on my face that you are eyeing on other girl when I was organizing my mom. Masa tengah tukar pampers mak, Masa tengah pujuk mak untuk tidur. Allah, really it was too hurtful to sleep. And that's the most harsh things a person has ever done to me. And to forgive is even harder no matter how much you wanted to say sorry.

Awak,
I know you understand how I feel on you. I know you can tell. But really, the time for you now is never right for me. I am fighting to get over you. I wanted to kill the feeling on you so much because I don't want to think there is still hope for me. I wanted to run away as far as I could but I keep on gasping for air sometimes. It hurts both ways though. To run away and to keep you close. I'm not going to restrain you on doing anything you wanted to do. I've told you before, do whatever you think it's right. Anyway, thank you for all the reminders. Those are the things that you always remind me on most of the texts before this especially my rushing and skipping meal habits but InshaaAllah I would take care of myself.

It feels so long for not writing long texts and long hopes.

And yeah, this is for you :
I hope things are going well for you in Malaysia. Your business & your study.
Treat umi & ayah as good as you can. Don't let them down again. You are the man of the family and they rely so much on you. Be a good son and a good brother too. Life is not about you, your own self but it's about how you please Allah at the first place. Please drive carefully, jangan bawak laju2 sangat cause I know you do that often. Set alarm untuk bangun subuh selalu cause I'm not there to wake you up anymore. Good luck in any of your basketball games. You've got my support, right here in Adelaide :)

Wan Syafiqa.

*Well, hopefully I don't keep you waiting for any longer.

Birth day.

I still have 30 minutes before the clock strikes 12 am today (Adelaide time).

So before I sleep, happy 21st birthday.

I promised you before I would be the 1st person to wish this year. I still hope I did, yesterday. I still keep the gift that I wanted to give you so badly. It is still neatly wrapped in my drawer but I decided to give it to the person who is worth giving. Indeed, I planned throughout the time to tell you how much I care on your birthday but it is just a plan now. And I know the values will never be the same anymore. I promised you that I would include you in my every prayers. And yes, I do. I pray that Allah keeps us away from each other. And, I am sorry for not replying all of your whatsapp texts. I do feel bad, but thinking twice it is better for me not to reply them. I just don't want the conversation to keep on driving. I'm afraid that I'm gonna hurt myself back. Don't worry, I don't delete your last 3 texts before I read them, and I am safely arrived this morning. Alhamdulillah. I hope I never even reply or received your 1st 'hi-text' 6 years ago. I wish, I never knew you in my life. And my biggest wish to you this year is that, please help me to forget you. Tolong saya untuk lupakan awak because it is never easy at the first place. Hopefully, that's the perfect gift you received from me. Might be your last birthday greetings from me too and I would never hope for another one. Happy 21st birthday, again :)

Mak & Abah yang disayangi keranaNYA

Buat Mak & Abah yang dicintai kerana Allah,

Dekat 2 minggu ika kt Malaysia. Dekat 2 minggu jugak dapat direct tarbiyyah. Macam2 perasaan these few days. Seriously, rasa macam hari hari menangis pun ada. Allah, sayunya bila tengok mak hari-hari mengerang sakit, lemah atas kerusi roda, sepanjang hari akan baring atas katil, bila suap makan 5 suap pun paling maksimum, kadang-kadang mak cakap apa pun ika tak faham dah. Tau je mak ada fikir something tapi bila nak sampaikan tu tak boleh kan? Sebab ammonia yang sangat tinggi dah naik ke kepala. Hati mak dah tak berfungsi elok. Makin lama ika belajar, makin lama ika faham sakit mak ni. Kita tengok pun dah seksa, ni kan pulak mak yg rasa. Nak tolong macam mana pun ika dah tak tau dah. Kak yang & kak long yang dah ada title doktor pun kadang2 stressful nak buat keputusan apa yang terbaik untuk mak. Ika yang baru jaga mak full-time pun rasa penat sangat, Hari-hari rasa macam nk terbongkang je tidur 3 hari 3 malam. Kadang-kadang kena berjaga malam sebab mak tak dapat tidur and selalu menangis. Serius, mak memang Superwoman! Supermom! Hebat semangat mak ni lawan sakit mak sehebat mak besarkan kteorg 5 beradik dulu! Sayangnya mak dan hebatnya mak urus keluarga dulu. Hari-hari balik sekolah, mesti ada lauk atas meja & rumah dah berkemas. Setiap pagi mesti ada breakfast & kadang2 mak siap sempat buat bekal lagi. Dulu mak mengajar sekolah petang, tapi bila balik rumah, directly mak mesti terus buat dinner & nasi lemak sebab nk jual kat budak asrama sekolah RMM. Bila raya, mesti mak amik tempahan kuih sebab nak dpat extra money. Hebatnya mak cari duit dulu nak besarkan kteorang. Mak hebat sangat dulu, masak untuk berpuluh-puluh orang, rileks je. Power tenaga mak Allah kasi. Tapi sekarang, apa pun mak tak larat nak buat dah. Mandi, makan & tukar pampers semua kena mintak tolong orang. Rindunya nak makan masakan mak :( last ika makan pun before fly awal tahun hari tu mak bekalkan ikan bawal masak sambal & sayur lemak. Rindu sangat nk bersembang dengan mak. Last dapat mengadu pun masa ika telefon dari Aussie before exam. And masa tu jugak suara mak happy sangat and I was very enjoy talking to you. But then after a week, kesihatan mak merosot. merosot sangat and it keeps on declining sampai sekarang. Terkedu kejap bila kak yang cakap,

"Ika, do you know that it's a miracle yang mak boleh bangun balik ni?"

Allah kata berdoalah, akan dia kabulkan doa kepada sesiapa yg bedoa kepadanya [2;186] Sungguh Allah maha mendengar. Lagi hebat abah yang sentiasa disisi mak! Sabar abah layan kerenah mak dekat 5 tahun mak lawan penyakit ni. Dulu masa mula disahkan hepatitis C, mak amik alpha-interferon & ribavirin but those treatments gives side effects dekat mak espc hyper-tension. Masa tu mood mak tak boleh jangka-jangka. Tapi abah tetap cool, tetap sabar, tetap rileks though mak kadang2 jerit dekat rumah. In between mak sakit sungguh ni, ika still dekat aussie, along, kak yang & kak ngah kerja, adik dah kena pergi UTM, lapor diri. Abah yang jaga mak full-time, buat kerja rumah, cuci & lipat kain. Abah masak untuk mak hari hari. Tambah mak ada certain diets yang kena follow sebab at the same time mak ada diabetes. Abah yang akan cucuk insulin hari-hari kat mak. hari2 jugak abah akan amikkan wuduk untuk mak, pakaikan  telekung untuk mak, ajar mak solat etc. Bila ika balik dari jaga mak kat hospital, ika dah memang terjelepok tak larat. Banyak jugak tidur awal2 sampai rumah, tapi bila bangun. semua benda abah dah siapkan. Abah kejut, ajak makan je. Allah, masa tu rasa mcm impress sgt. Respect sgt dengan abah. 

MasyaAllah, abah. You are a great Imam!

MasyaAllah, mak. You are a wife of a great Imam!

Kawan-kawan datang melawat mak,abah boleh senyum lagi berlawak2 lagi sebab itu mmg nature abah. Tak pernah lari dari usik orang. I know deep down inside abah sedih, rupanya waktu mak koma, banyak kali abah menangis.This circumstances has changed everybody in the house so badly. Semua orang dah jadi kuat & tak harap bergantung kat siapa2 dah. Kak yang dah boleh drive balik rumah dari taiping. Adik who was once the baby in the family can now travel by her own to Johor which kteorg tak expect she can do it. And I have to travel by myself sorang2 balik aussie without anyone around. Anyone whom we expect to wave you goodbye before pergi departure hall. Every things happen for reasons. Hikmah Allah uji kami sekeluarga mematangkan semua orang dalam rumah ni rupanya. 

Abah & mak,

Bila kata sayang mak & abah  kerana Allah. Mudah-mudahan anakmu yg degil & kuat melawan cakap suatu masa dulu ni, menjadi tiket dan saham kalian di akhirat nanti. Kerana 3 perkara yang menjamin pahala berterusan ialah ;

1) Ilmu yang berguna 

2) Harta yang diinfakkan ke jalan Allah

3) Doa anak yang soleh

IAllah, moga anakmu ini menjadi salah satu penyebab mak & abah ke syurga. Srikandi pejuang ummah yang sentiasa berusaha menjadi khalifah Allah & ummat Rasulullah yang lebih baik. Allahuma Ameen. 

:(

2 hal yang ingin ku sampaikan kepadamu saat jauh dari mu:

1. Aku rindu
2. Bahkan rinduku tidak mampu mengalahkan rindumu.

Bertabahlah hati! Balik aussie nanti housemates ada, akhwat ada, usrati ada :)

Rindu sangat rasa, tapi tak berani angkat muka bila ada depan mata. Malah rupa dia & dia pakai baju apa pun aku tak tahu. Wahai pemilik hati, yang pegang & suntik rasa kat hati ini, sungguh jauhkan aku dari dia. Luka rasa macam berdarah balik. Kenapa 6 tahun perkenalan yang menyakitkan ni, hati tak serik-serik lagi?

Wan Syafiqa, wake-up! Dan sedarlah diri, awak tu di mana di hati dia?
Yes, nothing.

I'm home for the second time.

Yesterday I received a heart breaking news. It's really heart-wrenching. I feel nervous and everything. I wasn't expect that it's going to make me feel worry this much. I started to feel uneasy when my dad said,

"Iqa, tak payah balik la. Terima je apa jadi pun. 

Duduk je kat Adelaide tu. Buat test"

I tried to hide my feelings but yeah, I've failed. Burst into tears, back. These few weeks are my critical week. I had my 3 tests over the last week. Founding that I nearly passed my virology mid-term test was a big hit on me enough. I was disappointed. And I realized that my other two tests were never be an excellent too. It is not that I didn't study but I just can't do it, I was putting much much effort but I just don't know why. T.T

So, receiving a very big news from Malaysia driven me into dilemma. I have my oral presentation & lab report due this week. Not forgetting a test. But noted that it's your only mother whom you can't trade with anything off, what's the point of living and staying in Adelaide but your soul is already flew back to home where you belong? Living away from family like miles miles away making me feel very helpless. I wanted to help, but I just can't and you're always be the very last person who knows everything. I feel helpless. Really. 

I called home at Friday night, hoping to talk to my mom. But my dad said, my mom was sleeping the whole day and she can't open her eyes. So my thought was it's a normal thing for her since that's the symptom that can be seen for those who suffers her disease. But never thoughts, she would have a very very long sleep and they say, she's coma at the moment. I know, that's a very bad sign. a very bad one. 

Akhwatiy-fillah, jzkk for the tickets. Only Allah knows and can repay back your goodness. I feel very touched. I got a very good companies from each person of you. I received lots of inspired wishes which motivates me to stay strong and being reminded that Allah tests are for those whom He knows can handle it. A big test its for someone yg qawwiy! Allah is the best of planners after all. Thank you very much. Uhibbukfillah :') My flight from Adelaide-mebourne was okay. And my flight from melbourne-malaysia was even fine. I was seated beside a very friendly mother's touch vietnamese woman. She saw I was sobbing and cried a lil bit. Though that I was the only one who needs to handle a very big crash inside me, her test is even greater. She's going back to her dad's funeral because of liver cancer. And she received that shocking news during her exam day. Just right before her exam. But she seemed very calm, and she relaxed me back. She said that death is at the God's hand. What we can do is keep on praying and God knows the best. Allahu, thanks Allah for reminding this to me again through that woman. 

Alhamdulillah, things are at eased.

Please pray for my mom. 

Moga Allah kurniakan yang terbaik 

kerana Allah itu maha mengetahui. 

Wan Syafiqa kan, kuat? ;')

Bersabarlah wahai hati

Belajar percaya dan yakin,
Bahawa tiada "sad ending".

Yang ada cuma kebahagian yang ditangguhkan,
Sama ada diganti dengan yang lebih baik.
Atau disimpan sehingga tiba saat dan masa yang sesuai.

Mudahnya,
kalau ia adalah ketentuan dan kehendak Tuhan,
Maka apakah yang menyedihkan?

Percayalah, kehendakmu selalu terburu,
namun kehendak Allah sentiasa tepat pada waktu.
Dan tiada lebih bahagia daripada menunggu pilihanNya yang tertulis khusus untukmu.

*Jazakillah for the reminders :)

His plans are greater than my dreams.

Assalamualaikum, silent readers :)

Hari ni dah seminggu rasanya melayan perasaan sedih sensorang. Alhamdulillah, lepas pergi mabit, qiam dapat kumpulkan sikit kekuatan hati ni. Rasa malu kat diri sendiri pun ada. Panggil diri sebagai akhowat, muslimah yang patutnya tahu prioritize apa yang penting dan perlu buat masa ni, tapi masih lagi boleh fikir benda benda yang tak sepatutnya fikir pun sekarang. Maaf kalau siapa yang terasa. Kerana saya juga seorang perempuan, sharing itu satu azimat. Berkongsi itu ubat penenang. Susah jugak kalau sakit telan sorang sorang, perit pendam sendirian. Cuma nk ringankan perasaan ni sikit. Sikit je.

Alhamdulillah, hari ini makin rasa recharged. Akhowat yang dikasihi kerana Allah, jazakillahukhair atas perkongsian & for the time spent. Memang manusia ini tak pernah sempurna. Ada masa tersungkur jugak. Lebih2 lagi bila dalam umur saya ni, emotionally unstable memang lah selalu. Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan yang rahmat Allah itu lagi luas. Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan untuk sentiasa bersangka baik, husnuzon dengan Allah. Perancangan Allah itu sangat baik. Mana mungkin dia uji seseorang dengan ujian yang bertimpa timpa selain ingin kita kembali pada Dia. Takkan Dia letakkan satu satu ujian kalau dia tak tahu yang hamba dia yang comel ni, hehe tak mampu terima. Kan? :)

Perit hati ini memang saya dan Dia sahaja tahu. Yakinlah yang Dia memang tahu perasaan hamba Dia ni. Yakinlah dia sentiasa memerhati dan mendengar kerana Dia maha melihat dan mendengar. Yakinlah juga yang jodoh dan pertemuan juga hadiah dari Dia. Walau tak tahu apa hikmah disebaliknya, percayalah memang ada sebab Dia uji begini.

Walau hati ini masih kuat mengatakan dia, mungkin jarak waktu berpisah kali ini menyiapkan diri kita untuk masa depan. Mungkin Dia sedang memberi ruang utk awak dan dia untuk muhasabah dan reflect diri. Supaya dia faham, erti hilang sesuatu dan bersyukur memiliki sesuatu. Kerana Dia lihat awak perlu tingkatkan fokus utk pelajaran, Bukan mudah nak jadi pelajar Biomedical Sc ni. Kerana Dia lihat awak masih lagi merangkak2 dengan dakwah. Mungkin kerana dia lihat, this is not the right time yet utk fkir pasal kahwin. Tanggungjawab yang lain pun banyak lagi nak settle lagi kan? Wan Syafiqa, hidup awk ni bukan untuk awak sorang. Hidup ini nak cari redha Illahi. So give your very best now for your family! Tunaikan hak hak awak yang sepatutnya awak laksanakan dulu, anak, adik, kakak, sbg kawan, naqibah, anak usrah, daie etc. Sebagai isteri belum lagi, kerana Dia rasa masa ini belum sesuai lagi. Jadi, sabarlah dulu. Tunggulah dulu... :)

Dan persiapkan lah diri ni juga, kalau Allah kata orang itu bukan dia. Bila awak je yang menjaga hati untuk orang yang awak reserve, plan untuk jumpa parents dia sebab awak serius untuk berkahwin, tapi orang tu tak jaga apa pun, instead boleh sangkut pulak kat orang lain. Means hati dan perasaan dia pun belum betul2 sealed kedap udara punya gituu. Sebab kita sedang berusaha menjadi yang soleh solehah so bila kita dah ada calon, tak perlu fikir orang lain dah tapi perlu teruskan usaha untuk istiqamah selalu. Means, pergaulan dia pun tak terjaga sehebat awak....Bila mana awak memandang jarak jauh itu sebenarnya adalah satu hikmah kerana Allah nak jaga kita, letakkan kita berjauhan and when the time is right, kita dapat rasa manisnya & hargai masa masa bersama sebab sebelum ni kita susah nak jumpa hari hari. Penat tunggu masing masing tapi masih mampu bertahan bukan harapkan sesuatu yang dekat hanya kerana nafsu syahwat. Means, hati dan trust dia kepada Allah juga tak sehebat awak...Bak kata seorang ukhti, kerana awak layak mendapat yang lebih baik. Sebab yang lebih perfect, lebih hebat, lebih buat awk cair tu belum sampai lagi. He's taking the long way. Buat awak tunggu dulu sebab dia pun macam awk jugak. Sibuk dengan pelajaran, sibuk dengan dakwah, sibuk nak baiki diri dulu sebelum jumpa awk. So that even if he was not in your vocabulary, he will be the only word you know later. Dan bila sampai masanya, he'll do it in a very right way. No approaches on me anymore, instead approaching my dad.

Kerana janji Allah, lelaki yang baik adalah untuk perempuan yang baik. Bila hujung minggu awak ada usrah, dia pun sama punya fikrah, bukan dah keluar dengan kawan kawan tgk wayang. Bila malam-malam awak dah selamat sampai rumah dia pun sama mcm tu, bukan dah lepak kat rumah kawan dan kawan perempuan especially sampai lewat malam, pukul 12 baru balik. Bila awk aktif menguruskan program, dia pun sibuk dengan aktiviti yang berfaedah bukan duduk rumah hujung minggu tengok movie @ tgk series atau sentiasa complaint yang awk sibuk itu ini. Sebab, apa yang awak buat selama ini ialah perkara yang mencari redha Illahi. Ingatlah wahai hati, awak itu muslimah yang mahal. Bukan calang calang lelaki boleh dapat awak. Tak perlu pun buang masa fikir lebih lebih buat masa ini. Pretty much I am sure, Allah is telling me, this is not the time yet to think anything about this. Kumpul duit bebanyak duluuu. hehe. Yang penting luahkan rasa and masa banyak2 pada Dia so that hati dan perasaan ni terjaga. Keep on doing good things. Istiqamah and makes Allah please with you 1st. Janji ye, never again buka ruang untuk mana mana lelaki okay awak :)

O Allah, 

please do not make

me fall in love again

when 

time is not yet right.

It has met the end.

Assalamualaikum.

Kali ini saya masih lagi diuji dengan hati & perasaan.
Hebat betul ujian ini. Lepas tahu fail dalam supplementary test baru ni, the person that I've been waiting for said that he can't go on with this anymore. Some people say, everything happens for a reason. How I wish I know what the reason is. :(

To be frank, mesej yg awak dok hantar panjang panjang kat saya saying the last words goodbye etc saya tak baca betul betul pun. Dah rasa meluat sangat. Saya sangat merasakan yang awk ni tak tahu bersyukur dengan apa yang awak ada sekarang. You already have me, tapi needs someone who is near to you? Kepelikan apakah ini? -.- You'll realize one day why I am saying this to you. Within just few weeks, ntah kenapa senang sangat berubah hati. Bila bersembang dengan housemates, dorang cakap lelaki memang mcm ni. Hubungan jarak jauh mmg susah. Kalau ditanya what is my last words to you ; I hope you guys do not last together. And you are going to be crashed harder into pieces. Or if its lasts, its pretty cool to see people suffer in their lifetime. Kasar bunyinye kan? Tapi itu yang memang datang dari hati sungguh. -.-

So far, saya dah unfriend awk kt facebook, saya dah delete every single pic of what you've sent. saya dah delete number awk and our conversation both in whatsapp and telegram. I decided not to block you, but i would if one of us is engaged or married first. I decided not to be anyone for you. Jauh sekali nak share apa apa dengan awk. Cukup lah awk kesian kat saya and force diri awk untuk text and amik berat kat saya. Trust saya kt awak dah zero pun. Though I have this feeling for expecting you to come back, I hate the idea of you approaching me again. Saya sendiri tak pasti at the first place kenapa awk boleh approach sy balik. I think sebab awk sunyi kot. Sebab awk takde anyone at that time. kan? Omaigood, baru perasan kalau benda ni betul memang play safe betul lah mamat ni. Only for your benefits rupanya.

So hari ni as usual depressed skit. I keep on vomitting. Makan muntah balik. I cant sleep last night. Pretty sure awak sekarang ni mesti takde rasa apa2 pun kan. Texting dgn dia seronok2 bagai. I have tests lagi this week. But I can't study today. Not at all. Seronok & bangga tak keep on doing this to me? You were saying this to me ; hope you'll find a better person than me. But seriously you are not deserved pun for anybody. Tell the girl to read all of my posts and ask her now, does she really want to be with you?

I don't know how many girls have been in your history until now. And I am so much disappointed because with me, it has been thrice. Saya harap awk rasa apa yang saya rasa. You keep on doing this to me. Satu hari if you're being dumped like this you'll know how hard it is. I am not praying for your happiness or else, I just don't want to include you in my prayer anymore cause I had enough from you.

The Return After 3 weeks.

Assalamualaikum.

Right now, enjoying the cold freezing winter in Adelaide. -.-

So, as I sit in my 'freezer' big room alone with my huge warm blanket that covers the whole me, I start to think on a lot of things especially my future. But no matter how much I think about it, there is always no solution provided because the future is always unpredictable. Once, somebody touched me by saying this to me. It's a big hit on my head.

The person asked me to enjoy and value every moment in your life. If you found yourself struggling for your assignments, tests, lab reports or uni works etc etc, enjoy and value it by giving your very best in it! Because, what you feel is on that particular time only. You will never feel the same even you are doing the next assignments. Hahaha, it really makes sense right? If you are sad right now, then value it by whatever things that can make you relief. I always like the feeling of 'I am okay' after crying when I feel so crushed and busted. It feels like ---> Made it after all! Though we always know & remember on how it feels to be hurt, on one fine day, when you look back at it, you'll miss on how strong you were at that time :)

There is up and down in life. Like one of my colleague (I am downgrading your position now) said, shit does happen when in fact he is the one who always do the shitting. lol. Anyway, I am always reminded by a sister who says, Allah is always with you. Alhamdulillah Allah ease my way all this while. So I am currently waiting for my Biochemistry replacement result. I feel nervous, but whatever is given to me. That's the best. Trust trust and trust Him. Because He loves his slave who always rely on him, and Allah that would always be me.

Notes to myself,
Moga sentiasa tenang, redha dengan ketentuanNya. Semua ini pinjaman dari Allah. Tiada apa, tiada siapa itu milik kita, kerana dengan izin Dia, Dia akan bagi. Even masa & rezeki juga Allah yang beri. Jangan takut tinggal assignments sekejap, jangan takut luang masa untuk dakwah kerana janji Allah, sesiapa yang menolong agamaku, Aku akan menolongmu (47;7) Juga buat awk, kalau bukan awak inshaAllah ada yang lebih baik because the preparation I've made is solely for 'him-my future' not you :)

If you put your trust in Allah, everything would fall on its place perfectly.

Dear you, if you are reading this.

Assalamualaikum.

Tomorrow is Eid Mubarak. Alhamdulillah, I have the chance to celebrate this syawal with my family. Alhamdulillah tsuma alhamdulillah :) kalau tahun lepas, baju raya saya lab kot, pagi hantar assignments. Malam baru balik rumah, and baru dapat skype dgn family who showed me lemang and ketupat in the video call since its winter in Adelaide, so it has already turned dark at 5pm. Leaving Ramadhan is upsetting me. I feel it really this year. However, my Ramadhan this year is not as usual as before. Too many things happen.

Hebat saya diuji tahun ni. Allah. hati ni rasa terluka, penat, terkejut semua ada.

Saya diuji dengan keadaan kesihatan yang kurang memuaskan sbb demam teruk dari adelaide & sampai malaysia. So ponteng puasa banyak. -.- Balik Malaysia pun uplanned because my mom's condition is not that stable. I reached home before my result was up and found out that I failed my biochemistry so I need to seat for my replacement exam in between saya ada dekat malaysia. I was in dilemma since my mom's health pun tak okay and I need to think of my exam. okay, now what. I had a deal with my lecturer and my senior brought back my notes so that I can study when I am at home. Alhamdulillah, got to seat it on next friday once i reach adelaide. So right now, I have to think of my sponsor pulak. I am afraid if I received the warning letter since I failed one subjek.

Later, I received a heart-breaking news :(

Dear you,

I hope things would get better between us. I still feel sad until now. Hari hari fikir, tapi hari ni dah tak nangis dah. yeayy :) I know what you really meant. I know you always feel unsure if its come to your feeling, that is why at the first place the most thing that I ever afraid of is you falling for other person. Sebab saya tahu, I am different from you. I have this strong feeling dari dulu lagi but you are none like this. Always feel unsure. Though you are the guy that always been brighten up my days, you are the guy that making me cry and sad the most. It's funny right, why I always have to feel this though I know sometimes I might be hurt. -.- You & us are always in my every prayer. I pray that we can still holding on until jannah & be there for each other for the sake of Allah. I pray that we both succeed and build a family with many kids happily inshaaAllah with strong Islam foundation because we want to please Allah with this marriage. I know Allah heard my dua. I know He always will. :) But then he tested me with this condition, so awak... I will take this as another ujian for me okay. Allah nak test, how powerful my faith in you. Allah nak test how I rely on him as always and how far I believe in Him that He heard me. Mungkin jugak Allah nak tegur saya sebab dah banyak lupa kat dia. Amal bila balik Malaysia tak sehebat amal bila dekat Adelaide. He wants me to return to him. IAllah I would keep praying for us. I hope you are doing that too.

Because this pure intention we have is always being tested. Sometimes it has been interrupted by the shaytan because he never like the idea of marriage at the first place. I am reserving myself & taking care of this heart. Bersangka baik la wahai hati, sebab Dia tahu, Dia tahu what is inside us :) Moga saya sentiasa dalam doa awk. Moga awk dan saya berusaha untuk menjadi yg soleh dan solehah. Moga hati ini sentiasa sabar. There is no condition to be happy, it just that I need and have to be happy because you always remind me ; Senyum sikit iqa :) I would and always would. Allah, kuatkan hati ini. I believe miracles do happen InshaaAllah.

When I think about marriage, I think of no other but you.

Because there is no powerful weapon except for dua.

Regards,
Your favorite makcik

A simple SORRY.

Assalamualaikum.

These few days, I was frustrated over myself for being too sensitive on small things. It may looks normal to other people but not for me when the stuffs that you really longed for it. For me who is the person who loves to share things with the 'so-called-highlight-of-my-life', it doesn't seems normal when the important things that I want to share were not express-able. But then I was driven pissed off again when he doesn't even notice that he was actually the one who makes your mood swings for the whole day? To make up everything is just simple. All you need to say is just a word. SORRY. But that comes after a day when he doesn't even realized what kind of things is he asking for apologize. To be honest, I don't like this kind of communication. I was expecting that he should have known what happen on me etc, but that doesn't just works like that I guess. 

To be frank, going through over this thing, I've learnt something which is called the eternal love. :) That is between you, the servant and your God. I was crying hard when I realized this. From the moment when I feel that I was seeking to much attention from His creation, His words do really make me feel contented. SubhanaAllah, I was crying extra hard when I heard the Quran recitation. At this point again, I know I failed to make Him as my only One. I was paying too much attention to make other people pleased with me, but not you, ya Allah. I was sitting back, opened the Quran, and found that Allah says:

"When my sevants ask you about Me, then (tell them that) I am near. 

I respond to the call of one when he prays to Me; so they should respond to Me,

and have faith in Me, so that they may be on the right path."

Al baqarah : 186

I know that whoever asks Allah for forgiveness, he/she would be forgiven by Allah.

But who am I decided not to forgive people? Because the servants of Allah who has so many sins yet He still forgive them. Allah, I know that I have so many weakness, so many obstacles so many things to try to get rid off the jahiliyyah inside of  me just for struggling and trying to be your perfect servant with imperfections. 

I am overwhelmed with this eternal love :')

Faith that keeps you awake.

After about 5 months leaving Malaysia and starting back to build my 2nd year now in Adelaide, tonight I just feel like writing, expressing myself. Despite of having my busy and cramp scheduled here, writing would be one of the ways on relaxing and keep myself clam. Alhamdulillah, I went through two tests this morning. That were physiology and biochemistry. I was keep on feeling steady and stable after went over my  1st test this morning but not after Biochemistry because what I was expected to have was not what I expected to come. I don't know whether I can really survive with this subject or not this semester. To meet up with my sponsorship's requirements is not that easy. Being a scholarship student is not that easy because you would then come to the point that, 

"I HAD ENOUGH. NOW, I WANT TO QUIT

&

BE A HOUSEWIFE."

FULLSTOP

-.-

I then realized that in this life, there is no such easy things. When life has so many levels that you need to endure, this is just the simple tests that Allah has put you to go through. Because Allah once said that,

"Do people think that they will be 

left (at ease) only on their saying,

"we believe" and will not put you to any test?"

The Holy Quran : Al-Ankaboot

[29:2]

When you claimed that yourself is the believer, Allah will put you into several tests. At this point Allah wants to test you whether you keep going and rely on Allah 100%. Allah creates us and whoever knows us better than Him? He mentions that he is closer that our jugular veins in Quran, and he knows whatever thoughts our inner self develops but yet He still loves to hear us making du'a to Him. Because we sometimes never even spent time with Him yet He still waits for us to talk to him. :( Sometimes, I feel like I'm being harsh to this divine and pure relationship as it is a relationship between you, yourself and your Lord. The one who owns you at the first place. The one that you should say that, "All of me, Love all of You". But yeah, it is always me who failed on concentrating on You, yet You never fail to protect and ensure that everything that happens on my everyday life stays and falls on the right place. After all, I know that your blessings always overpowers everything. SubhanaAllah, life is indeed a game. It just whether you win or lose on this battle.

Dear Allah, 

Keep on guiding me because,

I want to love you as much as You love me. 

Counting the days.

It's Wednesday.

Currently I have 5 days left. I'm going back. Soon :'(

Half of my things are already packed to bring to my second home. Since I have this Melayu tongue so much on food, so mom did pack udang kering, ikan masin & asam keping for his daughter. haha. Imagine how I was last year. I was craving on lots of thing. The feeling is so different on a week at adelaide waiting to touch down Kuala Lumpur last time. I went over too excited and packed my things inside a week early.

And yet this time, I did everything on the very last minute. But it's allright. I'm looking forward to meet the freshman of my uni. I heard that there are many Malaysians are coming over this year but I'm too sure, too sure that none of them would be under my course. -,-'

Anyways, welcome Adelaidean 2014. Ahlan Wa Sahlan. :)

Say Hello to Adelaide Hills :)

The Marriages.

I am not yet turning 21 years old. But still, now I feel old when my friend is already MARRIED.

okay, I'm excited? YES.

So ever since my holidays here, I've witnessed 4 married couples completing half of their deen. Alhamdulillah, I am happy for them. Witnessing the wedding vow is so much interesting. It is pretty much touches my heart when I watched my dad and the groom-to-be cited it together. It feels that dad has given the full responsibilities to my brother in law to take care of his daughter. In Islam, as the daughter is already married, her priority should be her husband first, then her mom in law, then only her parents after Allah & Rasulullah. So I was freak out a bit and thinking not to have too many daughters once I get married, so I wont feel so much left out. Haha.

Well, my wedding invitations started with the wedding of my sister Syakira. I touched down Kuala Lumpur on 21st November 2103, and the big day was on 23rd November. So I was a little bit hectic after staying up late and struggle on my final examination. I looked exhausted on that day and my first night was not really good. I can't sleep because it is too hot even I turned on the air-cond on its lowest degree. The good things about her wedding is that I was able to meet my best buddies during high school. So they turned out to Kuala Kangsar and sleepover for 2 days at my house. Since the workload are quite heavy, we have extra man powers imported from them and my other sisters' friends. Tabarakallah sweetheart for the help. May Allah rewards you with goodness :)

My wedding list was followed by my 2 cousins one from my dad's side and the other was on my mom's side. Now that I feel having a large family members is a need, we were quite busy preparing, discussing on things and stuffs on their wedding day. I was appointed to be the master of the ceremony on that day. Well, I haven't be one for quite so long and I noticed I was shaking a bit at the beginning but managed to settle down myself.

Out of all, receiving a shocking news on my friend's wedding excites most of my batch-mates. I mean, this is just the 2nd month of 2014. Not even turn 21 yet. Why so sudden? Haha. Getting married at an early age is quite an option but when I started to think on the commitment I need to give, I think I would fail on being a good wife. Marriage is a big step in anyone's life. It's about responsibilities. You can't just get married if you like the person. For me, marriage is another journey to begin with. There is always option to end this journey which is divorce. But whoever wants to remarried for couple of times right. To have a safe and a marriage which last is to know why do you get married at the first place? It's a good start to lessen the overboard socialisation that occurred the ummah nowadays but that doesn't only the things. A good intention is to get married for Allah and from that I know the relationship between the husband and wife would be on the basis of Islam :)
May Allah guides us to the right path. Amin.

The Tsukushi family with the new family member. Welcome to the family, brother.

 

Fatin & her husband. They got married on June, but the reception was held on December.
Waiting for my arrival maybe? hehe

 

Shazwin Sofina, you are a wife already. T.T
Congratulations sayang! I still can't believe it. haha.

Does anyone else find it beautiful that if she is a man's key to paradise

in helping him fulfill half his deen with her in marriage

and that in attaining his pleasure through her life and obedience as his wife and a Muslimah.

He is her door to Jannah, the key that opens the doorthey need each other's help to get there. masha'Allah

 

Barakallahufikh.

May Allah bless.

Lillahitaala.

Goodbye 2013.

Assalamualaikum readers.

It's been two months that I have come back from Adelaide for my 3 months summer break. 3 weeks more left before going back to Australia. I know that it literally means I need to get ready for my cramp schedule back. But as Allah said, there is always ease after hardship. Never be afraid of what comes if your intention is always for Allah. Well, that is the most perfect motivation ever. When the thoughts of having the creator's attention out of the most, I am growing up with strength everyday.

"So Allah, please remind me to refresh my niat always if I am starting to put dunya first before You because this servant of Yours never get away from making mistakes."

Anyway, I would be departing back to Uni this end of February. 23rd Feb inshaaAllah. Being back in Malaysia, spending time with my family without worrying much of my assignments have really put a great momentum on me. So, second year of Biomedic, try me!

Bismillahirahmanirahim,
In the names of Allah, the most gracious and the most Almighty.
Shall I begin my 2014.

I know its already a month late to begin my 2014 but, the spirit is always be the matter :)